Performance (review) anxiety

I’m feeling kind of out of sorts at the moment, but it’s not necessarily terrible. After you’ve been to the end of your world, really, everything else pales in comparison.

I put my tax forms in the mail tonight. Finally. I am hoping that it was the final nail in the coffin otherwise known as 2004. Gah, that was a horrid year. May it never rear its ugly head again.

I realize that I live in chaos. And it’s making me insane. I was never the type to do anything half-assed, but I realize that, of late, I swing between two extremes: anal-retentiveness and oblivion.

And, with a performance review looming at Dream Job, I decided that maybe I should take a moment to review my life. Not that I have anxiety about the professional review — let it be said that I am trying to get all my screwing up out of my system now so that, by the time the next review rolls around, it will look like I’ve improved thousand-fold. 😉

Dear Self,

After 30 years without a formal evaluation, perhaps you can benefit from some scrutiny and some goal-setting as well as some praise, where applicable.

Attention to detail: Other than hyper-obsessing about some things and totally not noticing others, I’d say you tend to err on the cautious side. You hate mistakes and take them personally, which would explain the black-and-blue marks on your conscience. Seriously, you’ve got to lay off or you’re going to give yourself a hematoma or a concussion or something equally scary. Live a little — nobody’s going to remember this when they’re dead. I think you go nuts because you’re not exceptionally good at anything, but you’re pretty OK in a lot of things. And you get kind of squirrelly when you’re not doing a whole lot of different things. But perhaps you might benefit from — oh, I don’t know — concentrating on becoming REALLY good at something for a change?

That brings me to priority-setting. Perhaps you may need some assistance on this one — going wild at Old Navy is a wonderful way to blow off steam and to get affordable-yet-oh-so-trendy weekend-wear, but at some point, you are going to have to do housework. Although, you get your props here for cleaning up cat shit every day of your life — no wonder everything else waits for your attention!

That leads to life balance. You’ve never been good at this. I’m just going to give you a “D” grade on this one. Your problem is that you thrive on being needed — you try to make yourself indispensable. You thrive on challenge and racing against the clock to accomplish a million things more than your peers. And while it’s certainly been commendable, you’ve worn yourself out and continue to run on empty. You aren’t impressing anybody, least of all yourself. And, seriously, get the hell out of the malls and go try to meet people once in awhile — it wouldn’t kill you to meet people who might be able to get closer than arm’s length to you.

But, you do play well with others when you want to. You’re always trying to help people, always trying to learn about them. You love to share your stories about your mistakes and your triumphs — anything to keep them from making (and aching from) the same mistakes you made. You rate high on the mentorship scale, particularly because you don’t stop learning even when you’re trying to teach. You like to contribute to every project and cause, even if your name will never be attached to it. While many others are concerned about credit, you are happy to grow from the experience and to live to apply the lessons and knowledge to forthcoming projects wherein you WILL get the glory.

On the other hand, you don’t do so well in letting people know the good things you did. Benevolence and philanthropy are wonderful and all, but you get ahead in life faster when people know your contributions. But, some of us are quiet achievers, so I’ll let you slide for now.

I will give you props for pulling no punches. People know where they stand with you, if they are brave enough to ask. 🙂 But you do try to compliment people on their achievements and their hairstyles and how the color they happen to be wearing really complements their eyes (because you notice things like that).

But I have to give you a temporary downgrade on your typical tell-it-like-it-is attitude. You’ve been continually burned by your honesty, so it has affected you in that you are starting to think before you speak. (Then again, we can argue that this isn’t always a bad thing, especially for you and your wannabe Tourette’s syndrome!) And then, when you do blurt out exactly what’s on your mind (lately), you regret it. No regrets, girl. Life’s too short. Suck it up and move on — and expect everyone else to do the same.

Look, you’re a long way from self-actualization, but you’re on your way. It’s been a tough few decades, but I imagine they will seem like a picnic as you traverse the next few. Your initiative is spectacular — just work a little harder on not only completing your projects, but also allowing for a little bit of celebration time as well so that you can recharge and associate rewards with triumphs, and you might not turn out so badly after all.

So, see you next year, same time?

All my best to you during your journey,

P.S. And that talking-to-yourself thing you do? You might want to work on that — people are going to think you’re crazy or something. LOL

On iTunes: Lifehouse, “You and Me”

One Lonely Response to Performance (review) anxiety

  1. Pratt :

    zoinks..I had to fill one of those out this week too.