Insomniac rides again

The lion may sleep tonight, but in my corner of the zoo, the insomniac rides all night long.

Seriously, it’s 2:40 a.m. I’m exhausted. And I’ve tried all my little tricks to help myself to conk out. At this point, it ain’t even worth it to keep trying.

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve done my ho mailbag — perhaps I’ll give that a whirl.

Dear Mom,

I enjoy you and your psychic visions — they’re comforting, particularly during times of tumult — but calling me today to tell me that YOU met MY soulmate? Freaked me the hell out. Really. I’m sure he’s a lovely man and all, but he’s also 250 MILES AWAY. With gas prices costing $2.389 $2.39 a gallon, it would be cheaper to ship him to me so we can meet. But please do it before USPS raises its rates AGAIN. 🙂

Here’s a thought: Why don’t YOU date him? I don’t mean to sound ungrateful — lawd knows I can use any and all assistance on the romantic front. But, other than a pulse and intoxicating verbal ability, I think it’s kinda necessary for potential mates to live in the metro D.C. area. Unless, of course, they can lend me their private jets on occasion.

Your loving daughter,

Dear (Insert Name Here — I forget it already),

I appreciate that you found me interesting and attractive and that you wanted to date me. But come the fuck on already — you’ve had my number for ages and only TODAY do you decide to call? And six fucking times at that?!?! I ain’t no hollaback girl, and this shit, indeed, is bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S!).

Let me bludgeon you with a cluestick: While I am very much a spur-o-the-moment-gal and do not mind last-minute invitations (like, to an EVENT), please don’t assume that you can call me on a Friday afternoon to go out on, oh, FRIDAY NIGHT. Don’t you want me to be fresh and scrubbed and pretty and ready to see you? Oh, wait, you’ll never get to see that now.

Move along.

Happy trails,

Dear Cool Boss,

Thank you for everything today. I’m more accustomed, though, to supervisors making me crazy and not “getting” me, but you are at the other end of the spectrum — giving me hope and encouragement and helping me to take my madness down a couple of notches. My disposition improved thousand-fold — thanks for taking the time to get to know me (and my neuroses) and innately knowing how to redirect my energy appropriately. Seriously, you rock, and I am becoming a better worker and even a better person with your guidance.

Your buddy,

On iTunes: G. Love and Special Sauce, “Friday Night (Hundred Dollar Bill)”

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