The new-and-improved Five-Question Friday

Subtitle: Not to be confused with the again-absent Friday Five.

1. Kill Bill Vol. 2 is released today (indie movie geeks rejoice worldwide). Excessive coverage of the questionable relationship between Tarantino and Uma Thurman takes over: she is billed consistently as his muse. Do you have, or have you ever had a muse? Who or what was it? What sorts of things did your muse inspire in you?

I stumble across muses from time to time. There was a period of a few years (2001-late 2003) where I had no inspiration and I wasn’t writing the way I was accustomed to. I think I have at least one now — there are certain people in my life who drive me to create, to record my thoughts, to sing and break stuff and shout and dance and write till I collapse. I have a poem to this effect, written circa December 2003, about how I recently became inspired again. But how do you thank somebody for that? Wouldn’t it sound kinda creepy and stalker-ish to tell people thanks for living inside your head?

2. Since we’re on films, have you visited the Internet Movie Database (IMDB), possibly one of the top informational websites of all time? What interesting, odd, or random fact did you learn there? What was the last thing you searched for on the site?

My trips there are hardly memorable. I usually go there to find out an actor’s name or to find out soundtrack information, although I can’t remember getting the information I wanted about a song that appeared in a movie, so fuck it. Next.

3. What do you think about Friendster? It’s been described as an alternative to making friends the traditional way, i.e., meeting them in person. Isn’t that what Dungeons and Dragons was for? Are you anybody’s Friendster? Would you ever be?

Friendster bites my balls and doesn’t deserve a link from me (much like Scott refused to link to it). I had put some thought into my answers and my photos, and I thought I would attract semi-intelligent people (at least!) who might live in my geographic area, share some interests, spark some conversation. Instead I got pick-up lines from no fewer than four gay men — one wanted me to marry his gay male friend and have an “open” marriage so as to please their families that they had a hetero marriage (but they could still fuck), one wanted to stay in this country, one wanted me to have his bay-bays, and I forget about the other. Then of course I got the guys who sent me pictures of their dicks and/or had photos posted of them in Pimp Daddy gear and had ‘hos hanging all over them. A real fuckin’ riot, I tell you. I keep meaning to pull that profile down, but in the meantime, I read the letters I get but usually don’t respond to them. Oh, and of course there was the guy who said he didn’t want a relationship but he wanted to spend four nights a week together “cuddling.” Gag. Is that the new term for, “I enjoy sunsets and walks in the park and laughing and kissing and …” ? Spare me!

4. Have you ever met a romantic interest online? Did you take it to the next level and meet them in person? How did it go? If you do not have personal experience with online dating, go ahead and tell us a juicy one a friend of yours has had (we crave sordid tales of online dating).

Anybody I ever met online, I fucked them at least once and either dropped them or got dropped. Never, ever fall for the line that they are looking for a long-term relationship. They are looking for sex. And that’s not to say that I wasn’t in it for the booty myself!!!

5. Further on the topic of romantic pairings, the personals in our favorite DC alt-weekly, The Washington City Paper, has a popular section called “I Saw You.” Here, lonely miscreants can write vague descriptions of the man or woman “that got away,” in the hopes their lost love will see themselves in the description and respond to the ad. Craft your own “I Saw You” to a romantic/love interest. And a bonus challenge: write a fictional “I Saw You” to yourself: one that would actually inspire you to respond to the mystery stalker.

I LOVE that section! I’ve always wanted to respond to one. I haven’t had the inclination to place one of those ads though — nobody ever intrigued me THAT much that I just HAD to declare my love to the City Paper readership in hopes they could make the love connection for me. Apparently, if I didn’t talk to someone, I wasn’t THAT freakin’ interested!

I would place an “I Saw You at the park, sitting on the hood of your car and scribbling furiously in a notebook/sketchbook. Our eyes met as I walked past — you smiled and pretended to continue doting on your written creation. I walked up to you, pulled you off your car, hiked up my skirt and rode you like a hooker on a mechanical bull. Then I ran, losing my Payless glass slipper as I hopped into my car and ran so as not to bring any form of reality into my fantasy. I want my fucking shoe back! Call me at 976-XXXX. Second mechanical bullride optional.”

Bonus: I might respond to this one — “I Saw You at the Apple Store. You were running your fingers along a sleek silver PowerBook, like you were caressing a long-lost lover whom you hadn’t seen in weeks. I would like to know what it would feel like to have your fingertips touching me the same way. Oh, and I have billions of dollars and will buy you that laptop when I see you!”

LOL. Can you tell I’m poor? I’d rather have the laptop than the sex (although, admittedly, it’s a coin toss at this point!).

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