In which the black clouds overhead aren’t mine


Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I miss the days of catblogging for Maddie. I am glad she got “famous” organically, before the advent of Facebook and everybody in the world putting up one stupid pet post and suddenly getting invited onto a talk show. God, I miss that cat.

Anyway, no real reason for this Kadie pic other than that I get one good shot of her a year, and this is it for 2010. *scritches* I do love this fur-sack. She puts up with my mother, and claws her mercilessly when needed, and that makes me smile.

I have been running away from bad karma these past few days. Not of my own generating — and that’s the thing. I realize that the universe kicking my ass isn’t entirely my fault.

Hanging around people with bad karma is impacting mine. I think about Crack Whore. And how every time he flared up in my life, I dented my car. It was when I was jumping as high (heh) as he wanted me to that my car took the punishment.

Sure, I know I can’t drive/park/operate heavy machinery other than the occasional vibrator. I don’t blame Crack Whore per se on that. But I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that my car got crushed like a Coke can (heh. Coke.) whenever I was being recruited to carry out my portion of his Evil Plans. Coincidence? I think not.

I hung around some yin-yang in college and beyond, and it was only after I parted ways with that Freak of the Week that the black cloud over my life evaporated. Don’t get me wrong — life still ain’t perfect. But when you have someone who purposely challenges all that is good and right with the universe, that attracts far too much bad karma for one person. It rubs off on those who happen to be standing nearby. Even if we did nothing to attract it.

I have my parade of married men to contend with. Honest to God, I am a good girl (or try to be. Mostly) and, frankly, I have enough to answer to when we get to my Life Review when it’s my time to cross over. And it best be WORTH IT when I go sweat in the eternal sauna. I’m not wasting my salvation on propositions that are going to keep me from meeting/being with my true soulmate.

The bleeding-heart Socialist in me wants to help everyone who needs it. But that also means attracting varying levels of their karma, and that is the thanks I get. I am starting to see why all the Libertarian freaks are all about self-reliant living. You don’t bother me; I don’t bother you — we just peacefully coexist with the resources we each have. If I’m thirsty, I collect rainwater. If you’re lonely, well, too fucking bad. 🙂

Speaking of lonely, I’ve had my phone in “airplane” mode for what’s starting on five days. I can’t talk about it and frankly, I don’t want to. But I think it’s another example of people who tempt fate FAR too often, raining on my parade. I feel terrible knowing people are going through some shit, and knowing that I am in a position of helping them. But at some point they’ve got to humble themselves and maybe give up some of the excesses (not limited to EGO) and let the universe knock them down a few pegs.

I know many people’s darkest secrets. And again, I feel like the universe is telling me to fly above the dark clouds or else I’ll continue to become enshrouded by them.

(Exhibit A: The UEOEH. Who used MY MONEY for HER DRIVER’S LICENSE to buy ribs and cornbread for dinner last night. I asked her, why the fuck can’t she buy me a goddamned veggie burger or a salad instead? Of course, the stress from the EGO has me all kerfuffled, and I ate every last hunk of fat off every last rib. Fuck you all. Love, Goddess.)

I don’t mean to blame anyone for my own problems. But I react to the over-stimulus by freaking out (hence we upped my anxiety-pill dosage yesterday) and pigging out (sigh).

Everyone, keep your damn drama. I had to tell my one friend to stop contacting me for now. I am not helping that person to get ahead at my own expense. I want to use my phone again. I want to not miss important calls because he hangs up and calls back every hour (and texts in-between).

I have to make way for my own good karma to get through to me. And if you’re standing in the way of it — or the shadow of sins past, present and/or future are within a five-mile radius of me — I kindly ask that you let me have the sunshine that I’ve worked so hard to see.

Let’s face it — if all dogs (and cats) go to heaven, I damn sure want to see my babies when I join them on the other side. Please let me have that. Let me let go of my fears, my rage, my bitterness, my sadness, my exhaustion, my frustration and my indifference. I choose light. I choose peace. I choose love.

And everything else is just a waste of time.

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