Because I’ve been punishing you with epic entries and Audioblogs, I’m all about the light reading tonight. 🙂

Highway Truisms

1. Just because the WaPo live traffic alerts indicate that gridlock at the 270/495 merge has abated doesn’t mean that A) It has, or B) That you won’t sit in the local lanes for 28 minutes because of some other incident that wasn’t reported.

2. If someone wants to merge in front of you, let them, because A) They will sneak angrily into the quarter-inch of space behind you and tailgate your ass, and B) They will have their high-beams on because one of their headlights is burned out.

3. When you are in a sports car that sits low to the ground, the asshole with the high-beams on will most likely be in a large urban-assault vehicle with those beams shining directly into your rearview and sideview mirrors.

4. When you’re going 76 in a 40, you will have someone riding your ass. And throwing on your brakes? Seriously, the entertainment value in watching their faces is almost worth the stroke you almost take when you wonder if your Pontiac will have a taxi as its new spoiler!

5. As stated earlier, anyone who drives a Lexus or other “status” car believes the freeway means that they are free to turn otherwise sane motorists into babbling, anxiety-ridden fools.

5.a. After a really bad drive, it is essential to shut oneself in one’s office for a full 15 minutes to fix makeup, guzzle coffee and breathe into a paper bag … after we mourn the years taken off of our lives from the panic attacks we incur.

6. Not watching the road or other drivers makes for a pleasant commute. Especially if your music is as loud as can be. And headbanging? Frightens everyone into staying the fuck away from you. (“Mr. Brightside” by The Killers makes me chair-dance, especially when I play it seven times in a row before I get to my first exit. Highly recommended.) My time in my car is like the preliminary rounds of “American Idol” — with the really bad contestants. Bonus points if I have the sunroof open and can irritate others!

7. Your time? No more important as mine. Tiff said it eloquently over at Metblogs: “If you were really that important, you’d have a motorcade or a helicopter.”

8. Like repeatedly pushing the elevator button. To the assclown in the Mini Cooper at the Pentagon exit this morning: I was 784th in line. You were 785th. Honking at me isn’t going to do you a damn bit of good when I ram my ice scraper up your ass — the long one that I also use to brush the snow off my roof.

9. The day you decide, “Enh. I’ll just pee when I get home,” as you’re leaving work (because the cleaning crew is camped out in the bathrooms) — that’s the day you will Sit. In. Traffic. For. Ever.

And … Bonus TMI Truisms
1. Boyshorts are comfy and cute, but not so much under pantyhose. Those frilly lettuce-edged tap pants give you a hell of a panty line.

2. Lace bras? They look terrific on the floor beside your bed, but not so much under a sweater. Just sayin’. I kept my arms pretty much crossed today in the presence of others.

On iTunes: Counting Crows, “Raining in Baltimore”

3 Responses to Truisms

  1. A.McSholty :

    “9. The day you decide, “Enh. I’ll just pee when I get home,” as you’re leaving work (because the cleaning crew is camped out in the bathrooms) — that’s the day you will Sit. In. Traffic. For. Ever.”

    AND have to stop at a really sketchy Burger King on Route 1, in which you are not only forced to buy a soda for the privilege of using their toddler feces encrusted facilities, but also to endure the advances of a wanton truck driver with three teeth and a bumper sticker that reads: “Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.”

  2. herebtyger :

    Rule number 741: Do not fucking cut me off at the very front of a line of traffic that I’ve been waiting in for 30 goddamn minutes. You’re not that special, you have a teeny peeny, and your mama thinks yer ugly.

  3. EatShiz :

    Heh, number 9 should be called “Murphy’s Law of Peeing”.

    The length of time you will spend sitting in traffic is directly proportional to how full your bladder is when you leave work.