Caterwauling

I don’t do well with uncertainty. I used to, though. I used to love wondering what might happen and envision things that would make me happy. But then life took a turn that left me just hoping for some type of resolution, either way.

And that resolution, after nearly half a year, has arrived. And something happened to me — I became myself again. But a better version of it.

Lately, people have commented on how there has been no life in my voice, how my handwriting looks like my fist was clenched around the pen (I used to have calligraphy-inspired penmanship; now I print in tiny letters), how the light has gone out of my eyes and the dreams have seemingly escaped from my field of vision. Hence, when you wonder why I’ve gone away from the blog for weeks on end, it’s because I know that “Dawn,” as she were, was on hiatus and seemingly awaiting cancellation of her successful run (like those bastards at Showtime did with “Dead Like Me” — fuckers!).

Ahem.

In any event, I’ve had a challenging time finding inner strength and peace. And I’ve wondered if that was because I never really had any in the first place. But I figured I’d recognize it when I saw it. And I did.

I envy my mom because she’s got the psychic gift. So did my grandmother. On occasion, when Mom is worried about something (e.g., me), she will get ready for bed and ask to see a vision that night. And she always does. And she’s usually dead-on about it.

I do not necessarily possess this gift — not the way she does. My sixth sense is rooted more in intution, in deja vu, in unexpected waking visions. When I dream about something at night, the opposite always happens. For instance, on the same night, Mom and I both asked to see visions. She dreamed that I got exactly what I was wishing for. I dreamed that I was on stage with Jon Bon Jovi, sitting at his feet as he played acoustic guitar. I liked my dream better, truth be told. 😉 But hers is the one that came true, and that’s the one I needed to happen.

So maybe I’m not the slightest bit psychic. But that’s OK. I have logic on my side. I have seen for many weeks now the puzzle pieces struggling to come together. I employed a little bit of creative visualization and tried my best to will things to happen the way they needed to. Now, I’m no proponent of changing the course of the universe, but sometimes, you’ve got to help speed the pace of it in any way you can. Failing that, keeping your mind occupied when you’re otherwise about to go batshit crazy isn’t a bad thing, either. 😉 I wear my lucky stones and rub my crystals for luck and try my very best to immerse myself in visions that I *want* to happen. And then I call Mom and ask her what her gut is telling her, and I cope accordingly.

Life has been out of control for so long. Forces have been working against me. But what surprised me was how many forces were supporting me, carrying me, pushing me. It reminds me of when I was in the hospital not long ago with a serious illness. I didn’t have the strength to do anything but try to get well. It took the good thoughts and well wishes of the people in my life to hope for the best and ask for miracles when I could barely get through a day. This time in my life has been no different. Keeping myself alive and somewhat functioning has been my challenge. Worrying about me was everyone else’s. And I hate it when people worry about me, but I couldn’t turn down any good ju-ju that was coming my way, could I now? 😉

I was pleased that, yesterday, I had the opportunity to be there for some friends who were entering into their own emotionally fallow times. Earlier, someone had thoughtfully pointed out to me how much my voice had changed — how I was light with laughter and hope and promise and vitality again. What a change from before! The lesson I’ve learned in everything is that sequestering oneself is a necessary evil sometimes, but the very people you may be afraid to talk to may very well be the people holding the puzzle pieces that you just couldn’t find on your own — puzzle pieces that they didn’t even realize were so valuable, because maybe those connecting pieces weren’t right for them but were definitely useful to you.

I’ve always hoped said that the universe provides. And it doesn’t do so right away, rather doing it instead when it’s right. And we have to give back, too … which I will do willingly.

On iTunes: Live, “Heaven”

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 6th, 2005 at 10:08 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.