Out of my head

The weather had been inordinately gloomy of late — it’s just been dismal, with rain and fog o’plenty. If it’s going to rain, then let it thunderstorm. Get it the hell overwith already — rain like you mean it, Mother Nature! No more of this “I’m going to torture you slowly” crap. I get enough of that from life. 😉

I feel like the seasons are affecting me more — bleak skies have intensified my case of the blahs. I suddenly “get” why people flock to the southern states … seeing vibrant citrus peels and wildflowers and rays of warm sunlight has to do wonders for one’s mentality. I have a friend who is literally addicted to colors — so much so that she recently planted flowers at midnight just so she could awaken and have them greet her on the way out of the house the next morning. It’s like color can set the tone of your day. Cosmopolitan tells us to wear orange when we want to feel upbeat. I personally wear a lot of hunter or kelly green because A) it’s my eye color and B) it’s the color of money. And that’s all that’s ever on my mind, anyway, of late.

I paid myself a compliment today, though. It’s not something I do much of anymore, but I remembered someone in authority once told me that I do everything the hard way — and she didn’t mean it as a compliment. She was intimidated, probably, of the thoroughness with which I tackled everything. And I kind of laughed about it today, realizing that I execute my screw-ups with fevor as well — I don’t just mess up a little bit, instead going for the f-up of the 14-karat variety! But that’s not the compliment — the real props I gave to myself were that I really never did take the easy route, even when it was apparent to me. I took chances and soared; I’ve also taken chances and landed splat on my face. But no matter what the situation, I didn’t do it half-assed. 🙂

Lately, I don’t have enough energy to do anything to the utmost of my ability, though, and I need to get out of my head and change that pronto. Someone (who didn’t even know me!) told me quite snarkily yesterday that I seem like my confidence is shot. And it kind of kicked me in the ass, like, no — I don’t show my “true” feelings that way. I am pleasant to cashiers and bank tellers and post office workers … nobody needs to know what’s happening inside my head. I wish them a happy holiday even though I’m having anything but.

However, when I do get out of the labrynth of my mind, I see the puzzle pieces trying so hard to come together. I’m not 100 percent sold on the “everything happens for a reason” idea, but I do accept wholeheartedly that everything happens to lead you to other things — hopefully, better ones. I mean, I can’t count the acts of kindness that come to me every time I start losing faith — it’s like the universe’s way of telling me to not give up because nobody has given up on me. Prime example: I asked a friend if he could help me with something. Although he couldn’t help as requested, he actually went and found someone who could help me, laying the groundwork so that I could swoop in and pick up the opportunity. And I realized that I may not have a lot of things I’m seeking right now, but I’ve got a pretty terrific cheering section. And I’ve been on the damn bleachers long enough — I just need to figure out a way to get the coaches to let me play again … it’s time to win for a change!

On iTunes: Gwen Stefani, “What You Waiting For 2004 (DJ Chaos Breakbeat Remix)”

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