New ‘tood

I didn’t give up anything material for Lent — last year I gave up carbs and loved it. But I don’t have the means to do South Beach right now, so I looked for something easier to live without.

During typical Lenten seasons, usually, I give up dating (oh, the stories I could tell as to why. …), but this year, I’d like to give up celibacy, if I can! 😉

After a long talk with my dearest friend Shan last night — and laughing more deliriously than I have in months, BTW — I have decided to part with the following … permanently:

Ain’t nobody gonna believe in me if I don’t. I always figured I don’t have the life or the love that I’ve wanted because, even though I know I have a lot to give, I also have a lot to hide. I tend to forget that I earned my scars and, while there is no reason to flaunt them, there’s also no reason to pretend that the road wasn’t long and weary. I had one of those revelations this morning in which I realized that I pretend nothing is wrong when everything seems to be — and maybe I need to have a little more faith because I know how to make better things happen to make bad things pass. One good action generates an instance of good luck, and these green Irish eyes are way prettier when they are smiling!

I always figured that if I insulted myself first, then I’d beat everyone else to the punch. (Years of having my spirit stomped on are talking here.) Unfortunately, during my weak moments, I fall susceptible to believing my own bullshit. And, quite honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck what people do or don’t think of me — I have better things to worry about. Say what you will about me and get over yourself, because most of the nasty comments I’ve heard have veiled a touch of jealousy. Yes, I am capable and smart and sometimes even witty about it — I’m not full of myself and I don’t have to prove to anybody anymore that I am just average. I’m not. And never will be. Nor do I have to disguise my abilities and feelings and insights because others aren’t comfortable with someone who’s so in-tune with the universe. And, I will change the world someday. That time hasn’t come yet. In the meantime, I will be gathering my strength and not wasting it on pretending I am nothing.

Self-imposed limitations
I can do anything, and I know it. And, some things, I can do a thousand percent better than many others. I guess, as a girl, I’ve learned to not do things to the best of my ability because girls aren’t supposed to show off. God, that sounds archaic, but it happens sometimes. There is a part of me that is very content to fly under the radar in certain situations, and that’s fine. But that’s no reason to fade into oblivion in other areas. And, while I’m never afraid to try as many new things as possible, I sometimes put up a mental block and can’t excel at certain things because of it. Why do we do that? Am I really that afraid of erasing the cache of Bon Jovi lyrics in my head to make room for new, more useful knowledge?

I don’t think I’m full of myself — if anything, my faith in everything around me has been sufficiently shaken, of late. But, among my many recent revelations was that things are not going to happen the way I planned them to be, and this is opening me up to so many more possibilities. There will be a lot of risk involved, but something tells me the reward will be so much sweeter. It’s amazing, opening one’s mind up so much that the heart can’t help but follow. I guess I’ve never had anything in my life that made me happy, and I figured that if I could surround myself with people and things that were “just so,” then I’d find that long-elusive bliss. But, the picture shifts over time — the clarity you had in your youth was just your limited worldview in action. Eventually, you start to dream in color and sway to different rhythms … ones you never knew existed until you opened yourself up to acknowledging — and, ultimately, appreciating them.

Hoo boy, can I hold a grudge. And, I’m tired. It mentally and even physically exhausts you when you can’t forgive someone. But, as of this moment, I forgive anyone who has ever pissed me off and I acknowledge that they might have been pissed off by something I said or did. This is not to say that I want rainbows and roses and reunions and such. I just want for everyone who is holding onto something destructive to let it slide. The memory has a funny way of lessening the pain of what really hurt you and letting the better memories shine through. Take it from me, you can’t go back to a situation that caused you stress, but you can hope that everyone else saw it as a teachable moment, the way you have. And, often, that’s the best you can do. Every relationship has its time in the sun. Don’t let the clouds of unhappiness keep you from getting a tan (or, in my case, freckles) again. Sometimes, you just can’t go back. But, you can always move past it.

Unrelated, the quote of the night (and no, I will NOT qualify it!): “Aww, Alex will get her Aunt Dawn laid yet!” 😀

On iTunes: Bloodhound Gang, “Fire Water Burn”

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