Home again

So here I am, back at Caterwauling. *sniffle* I’ll move my Goddess Dawn blog back here at some point soon, so hang tight and see me there in the interim. Feels good to be home!

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Home again

Howdy folks.

Not much to say other than that I am home, and home is in fact Washington, D.C. Not for lack of other offers.

Shan asked me to stay in Oregon and be Alex’s nanny while working alongside her on a bunch of projects we’ve been discussing. And while I adored my two weeks with her and her family, well, that’s their life. Not to say that I won’t be out there in six months (I told her to give me six months to make my life work here, and if it doesn’t, I’ll sell my crap and be on the first flight I can obtain), but I’m really going to make a go of this self-employment thing. When I consider the alternative (getting another *real* job), I get the urge to drive my car into the nearest river.

I would’ve loved to have stayed there with her. I feel like a huge chunk of my heart is missing now that she’s not here in D.C. with me. And leaving her at the airport in Oregon wrecked me — we’re like pieces of a puzzle that are separated by 3,000 miles. Life isn’t right unless we’re brainstorming together. I know it’s possible to remain good friends, despite the distance, but it’s going to be a lot of hard work, what with our separate and immediate to-do lists that will take priority over our mutual business ventures. I do feel like any success I ever have will be owed in large part to her, though.

In any event, there are so many possibilities. I consider getting a full-time job the equivalent of driving into a dead-end street. Not to say I won’t have to do it eventually or even soon (read: no rent money or car payment for November on hand), but this is what I’ve been wanting to do forever, it seems. Time to put up or shut up. I’ve had a three-week vacation from reality, and I’ve had a lot of time to think. And I can’t come up with a reason NOT to live the life I’ve wanted.

Spent more than a week in Pittsburgh with my family. It’s weird — I drove around a lot, and there are truly memories on every corner. I love it there — I really do. But I am continually reminded of people and events that have long since been buried that seem to pop up during melancholy moments. I do a beautiful job in putting things behind me, but familiar scenery has a way of awakening the sleeping demons.

I realized that I’ve hurt a lot of people in my path. Not as many people as others have hurt, but my cruelty is almost poetic in its creativity. I am not bragging as I say this. The problem with being surrounded by memories — a lot of which are painful — is that I see exactly what I said or did that was wrong. However, I haven’t been compelled to make any apologies — everything happened in another time and place, and everything has made me a better person (or at least a smarter one). But I do ache that I had the capacity to hurt someone, even if I didn’t know it at the time. But I’ve been wounded, too. So the universe evens things out, I guess. I just don’t want to hurt or to BE hurt anymore. I’m really hoping I have something to come back to, now that I’m in D.C. again. Whatever comes my way, I just hope I don’t fuck it up or, more realistically, that there is a great margin for error. It would be boring to be perfect, but I’d like to not cringe or look back with regret once in awhile.

A friend told me a few months back that I hide behind my sarcasm. I mention this because I really, truly miss my old blog (the one I had for three years, and even the one I had for three weeks that also bit the dust). I miss saying whatever I want, whenever I want. But at what cost? In any event, I’ve pretty much shed the cloak of sarcasm and spent the past month really FEELING instead of reacting. And you know what? I cried bunches. I ached. But I laughed too. And I shared in wonderful moments with wonderful people — moments that I didn’t ruin with some ill-timed bit of humor that only I or a select few others would find humorous. Not to say I didn’t joke, but without the keyboard to hide behind, life felt different.

Anyway, had the drive from hell tonight (show me ONE person in Maryland who can drive. ONE!!!), so I’m going to go make myself one with the pillow I haven’t seen in weeks. I’ll be ’round to visit soon! 😉

On iTunes: Sinead Lohan, “Out of the Woods”