Caterwauling

List swiped from the enchanting Serenity.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?
Quit a job without having a backup plan. Silly girl. 😉

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I wouldn’t call them resolutions so much as promises to myself that I will get things “right” this time around in my life. I’ve had lots of time to ponder and examine every aspect of my life, and while I did a lot right, I got some stuff wrong. Now is my chance to fix those things. And I will.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but expect some news on that front in 2005! 😉 (And no, it will NOT be me!)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Score one positive note for 2004!

5. What countries did you visit?
Never set foot outta the United States. But I have my passport application filled out and ready to send in, just in case I get an offer!

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Money. Never realized how dependent we are on it. Ugh.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I quit smoking on Sept. 21. I entered my third decade this year, too (May 25). I also took my first long vacation (Sept. 21). The year was a wash otherwise. 😉

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I found that I can hold my head high and make the honorable decision/action even when I am falling apart inside. I possessed the ability to make the choice that was best for everybody concerned, and it took until 2005, but the decision was validated by the “right” sequence of events being completed.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failure is as ugly a word as “frugal.” 🙂 I succumbed to feeling like a failure. I’ve never quite felt that way before and hated it but couldn’t stop it. I hit rock bottom on Thanksgiving and pulled out the cutlery and pondered the consequences of using it creatively. Of course, I put the shiny objects back where I found them, but that was my low.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I’d suppose you’d call it anxiety. But it’s easing its grip on me.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I got a new computer. I’d venture that it saved my life on many an occasion. I’d also bought a scanner and a wireless router, but I had to sell them (and a printer and a ZIP drive) on eBay for survival money, at a fraction of the cost. Fucking wretched year. 🙁

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mom, unquestionably. And Shan. And my grandfather. Talk about the blind leading the blind sometimes, but they wouldn’t let me give up the fight for anything. They pointed out how I can’t be strong for myself and everybody else all the time, so they could be strong for me. And my victories are just as much theirs as my own. I love the positive vibes I get from all of them!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Dubya and a slew of others closer to home who I don’t wish to mention. Let’s just say that you find out who your friends are/n’t when things get tough.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Old Navy. Damn it. 🙂

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The end of 2004.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
“1985” by Bowling for Soup. Thank you for making me nostalgic at my young age!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder
b) thinner or fatter? The latter (hey, it rhymes!). Damn carbs.
c) richer or poorer? POORER

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I did what I could with what I had. No regrets there. I do wish I’d saved money, though.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I’d say worrying, but it was unavoidable. I wish I’d shot my mouth off less.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
In ’05? With family. The way it should be. Christmas was sad and quiet and uneventful this year. I don’t want it to be that way ever again.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Um, yes. I guess. 🙂 But it was ephemeral and I’m hiring now!

22. How many one-night stands?
Hee hee. Did they have to involve a partner? (Just kidding!)

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I got rid of cable, so I hate TV now. I loved, though, “Dead Like Me” and “The L Word” and “Six Feet Under.” In ’05, I am totally digging “Medium.”

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I hate to sound saintly, but I’ve released my anger and hurt toward those who caused it (whether intentionally or inadvertently). I do have some residual waves of disgust when I hear about all the good things they are doing because it was something I suggested, but god forbid they could have treated me well when they had the opportunity. *sigh* My wish is that they don’t hurt/disappoint/belittle others the way they did with me, because it’s hard to shrug off such personal assaults.

25. What was the best book you read?
I’m such a damn sap. “The Notebook” and “Message in a Bottle,” both by Nicholas Sparks. This year, though, I’m finally going to work on getting through my Anais Nin anthologies. 🙂

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Melissa Ferrick. And the “Garden State” soundtrack.

27. What did you want and get?
Liberation. Wisdom. Insight. Peace. Power.

28. What did you want and not get?
I was after somebody’s heart and that failed miserably. Oh well. Next life, maybe! Girls shouldn’t chase guys. Plain and simple. No more of that crap!

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
“Closer.”

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30 and spent it with my best friend Shan. I had nothing going on, but she made sure I had a great dinner, a party and presents. Birthdays have always brought about a touch of depression in my world, and she was having none of it. We went shopping and I found THE dream dress of my life. And it was on sale! I’d been watching for it to go on sale for weeks! I decided I want to wear it to the Kennedy Center or something fabulous like that. Needless to say, the dress has been hanging in the closet with a bag over it and the tags on it since then, but still. A girl needs to own something fabulous in case an event arises!

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A new president

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Trendy, but on the cheap. I spend lots of money on clothes and shoes, but I buy the knockoff versions so that I can have twice as many. This year, I’m going to start dressing for my age. Ugh!

33. What kept you sane?
Bon Jovi songs. No fucking kidding on that one. And a new vibrator, sent to me accidentally, but hell if I was going to return it!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Zach Braff

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Women’s issues and the standard assault on our bodies. I ask you to go read Suzy’s brilliant post on the assholitry of the Virginia legislature in regard to wanting women to report their miscarriages to the authorities when they happen. And then let’s all write to the fuckballs who propose this shit. GRRRRR!!!

36. Who did you miss?
I want my mommy, damn it! I miss Shan and Alex (on the West Coast) and my mom and grandfather (up north). I also miss someone who lives nearby, even though nothing really happened for communication to cease. Our time to know each other has simply passed, and we ask mutual friends how the other is doing and we genuinely hope the other is happy. He gave me all he had to give and I took the lessons he needed to teach me. He will always have a place in my heart and a part of me will always love him in my weird little way. 🙂

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I’m lucky to get to meet many blogfriends in person. In this case, I’d say Ted and Pratt were the most awesome new additions to my circle of “real” friends! I also count John in that group, although we haven’t met (yet!).

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Where to begin? Strength comes from unexpected places. People in general are kind and want to help when/if they can, so it is OK to take some alone time but to come out of isolation on occasion. Some people go away when things get rough, but pay attention to those who stay or arise when fallow times have hit hard. Also pay attention to who goes away until the hard times have passed. Live every minute like it’s your last — happiness is so fleeting and it’s easy to miss good moments when you’re steaming about bad ones. Nice guys do finish last — things don’t always happen how or when you want them to, but they happen the way they need to. Cherish what you have, but also limit it to what you need. Experiences are more important than possessions. A rainy day fund for when times get tough doesn’t hurt either. Store up your energy for when you really need it and don’t waste it on those who won’t give you the same in return.

You know what else I got out of this whole ordeal? A love for myself. My sides of my conscious have been at war forever — the voices of “you suck” often drown out the “you rock.” But I do, in fact, rock. Don’t let certain negative events define you. They are ephemeral. In my case, those moments had very long-term, horrific consequences, but their time has come (finally!) to pass, and I’m still left with who I was and who I hope to become. Time to shed the skin that I’ve outgrown and fill the shoes that will take me through the next miles along my journey.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“It was a beautiful letdown.” (Switchfoot, “The Beautiful Letdown”)

“There’s beauty in the breakdown.” (Frou Frou, “Let Go”)

On iTunes: Daniel Bedingfield, “I Gotta Get Through This”

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 8th, 2005 at 11:25 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.