‘Though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along’

I’m still mad at the world over Lauren. I mean, if someone so beautiful and kind and smart doesn’t feel like she deserves to live, I mean what the fuck are the rest doing here?

I was pontificating that when I got my answer.

Lauren left the world … and Summer was born.

Just like when Alyson died … Fiona arrived.

Just like when my friend’s mom passed, her cousin had a baby just minutes later.

I don’t mean to say there’s a finite number of souls available. It’s just that the void they leave behind always closes quickly.

I mean, after Leanne died, her would-be fiancé went on to marry a nice girl and have three babies.

But it’s the other things that happen afterward — that might have happened anyway if you hadn’t lost someone — the things maybe that you NOTICE that can define entire days.

I’ll give you another set of random coincidences.

Another busy day. I didn’t have time, but I ran to the post office. There, I had full intentions on running next door to play the lottery. And yet when I came out, I totally blanked and just walked toward my favorite lunch place.

The place I had told one of my BFFs about just yesterday.

I hadn’t seen her in a while. But when I walked in, THERE SHE WAS.

We talked for a good half-hour. It was divine.

Sure I came back to the ever-mounting pile. But it’s OK. I have a lot more pep in my heavy-hearted step than I did an hour earlier. And that will help me to hopefully sail through the things I’ve got to somehow get done by day’s end.

At least, in enough time to get back and buy my chance to win those millions.

In glancing back at those blog posts, I always do or want to do something big to commemorate the light that went out. Leanne inspired my move to Florida. Alyson inspired me to take care of my health (down 30 pounds total. WHAT).

As for Lauren’s legacy in my life, I don’t know yet. I want to move to Orlando. Or at least out of Braddock Beach.

I want love. The real, throw you up against a wall and make you feel every pore in your body tingle kind. I know most boys (and all of MY boys) want the girl who won’t leave them — the one who will be home waiting because she can’t or won’t try to do any better. They don’t want the one with her soul on fire who they have to work hard to keep.

I don’t know that there IS anyone out there who COULD work that hard for me. Or would. God knows I’ve been wondering when one of these guys would show up at PBI with the sense somehow knocked into them.

In any event. I want the happiest place on earth to be wherever I’m at.

Lauren, I owe you that.

And I’ll try to find the peace you pretended to have but could never really find.

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