Psychological socialist

There’s this Connect feature on the Weight Watchers app. I love it because it’s a positive version of Facebook. Instead of people dumping on you because you like Hillary Clinton or you think the idea behind “Me-ternity leave” is a fair one, everyone cheers you on through good and bad.

Unfortunately there is an abundance of sad and negative posts. I mean, I get it. People feel alone and want to binge — or DO binge — and need/deserve encouragement. I don’t post those things but it is nice to see that I’m not the only one who drank ALL THE WINE last night.

I’ve noticed a trending hashtag, #keepconnectpositive. People posting pics with their dogs, or scenery they saw on their hike or screenshots of hitting their 10,000 daily steps on Fitbit.

In other words, keep yo shit to yo-self. Maintain the community.

People are talking about losing jobs, losing houses, losing family members — losing anything but weight.

It’s hard to look at. And as some cunt said to me about thinking the “Me-ternity leave” idea is something that I personally wouldn’t mind hearing more about, “You don’t HAVE to buy baby gifts.” Mother of the year, that one. Compassion much for a gal who has OTHER things to deal with that aren’t baby-related and therefore not as high a priority to others?


This is one of those “do I keep mah shit to mah-self” moments — where I only talk about how much fun I had watching Salt & Pepa and Rick Springfield at Sunfest yesterday — or I say what’s really on my mind?

Here’s what happened for anyone who feels like reading on …

I was driving to Sunfest and I saw an animal in the street that was clearly hurt. I think its back legs had been run over. It was tiny — I thought it might have been a rat but in hindsight it could have been a gray kitten.

As I approached (probably at 40 mph. I drive my age), I could see terror in its eyes and it tried to move but couldn’t.

I was lucky enough to swerve and miss her completely. But what about the cars coming after me?

I wanted so badly to pull over and pull that creature to safety. Get it help or let it die in peace.

And I thought, oh my god. This is how it happens. Some Good Samaritan dives into traffic to save a wounded animal and the hoomin gets kilt.

If you’ve seen all the crackheads in jalopies around here, you’d get my fears.

I didn’t “turn that car around.” (Oh yeah I did see OAR too since ZZ Top dropped out. Rockville REPRESENT.

And I have felt like SHIT since.

What if that was my kitty? That IS my momma. Nobody fucking cares but me about her and I am helpless there too.

But it brings up a bigger regret I have in life.

I used to help everyone, to the point there was nothing left for me. Not so much anymore. Going out of my way ain’t my thing these days.

Don’t get me wrong. I pray for anyone and everyone. I forgive my enemies. I love the people I meet from afar. I want a world filled with fortune and happiness for anyone who wants it. Call me a psychological socialist, if you will.

But that kitty, man. She was everyone and everything I maybe COULD have helped and didn’t. She was Maddie, Gram, Grampy, Old Gram, Aunt Lenna and my mom. She was Russell and every homeless person I had to walk or drive past. She was me after every misfortune with money and career and love.

She was helpless and just needed someone to give a shit. And I wanted to be that person. But not enough to do it.

I think most of you would say I did the right thing. That someone would have probably killed her within two minutes and put her out of her misery. That my momma needs me and I can’t afford to be hurt or dead or paralyzed for life or bitten by a frightened creature.

That some wild or runaway animal wasn’t worth my time or tears.

Well. Thanks. But that won’t stop me from remembering her terror or crying oceans because I didn’t do anything to stop it.

There were 12 brand-new baby duckies at my place. I think they all got killed while I was in Lake Buena Vista last week. I can’t find any of them. And I feel like maybe I attracted danger to them by feeding them. They trusted humans, which is never a good idea here. So, I’m not feeling the winning there either even though I tried to help.

One other thing while I’m not keeping things positive.

I was walking across the railroad tracks on my way to get some wine last night. And I thought, maybe I have seen enough of this life. I don’t mean I am going to lie down on the tracks or anything. I just had the sense that maybe if I’m not going to do anything great in this life, maybe I’ve already served my purpose.

I don’t know. I do have a band and fireworks to look forward to tonight. But I also have more urgent landlord issues and healthcare issues. (I tried to get mom coverage and I have threats every day for the past two months from the feds, the insurer and the underwriter for whatever forms I turned in or didn’t turn in and she needs help and did I mention FUCK OBAMACARE?)

Anyway. I do love this life. But there ain’t enough sleep you can get when your soul is what’s bone-tired.

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