‘Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion’

Am still slightly blown away from yesterday’s memorial service for Leanne. I was fine — cheerful, even — but once I heard the first sentence out of J’s mouth (and saw him cry), I was done for.

I’ll never forget what he said. And I’ll never forget how I felt. I’ve had two friends ask me to reconsider my reconsideration of my epiphany. After yesterday, I might.

What I will say was that here was this beautiful person that many of us only knew peripherally. And yet, there was a venue overflowing with people whom she had touched in some way — some lucky enough to have known her well; the rest of us getting a glimpse of the person we missed out on knowing better.

And what I know I loved was that, not only did they play Bon Jovi in her “favorite songs” soundtrack, but that the celebration was equal parts tears and laughter. Maybe just a shade more laughter. As it should be.

The overarching theme in my head for the past two weeks was solidified. I want a love like theirs. Not transient, of course — but the easy soulmate-type compatibility that he described to us. I barely knew them as a couple but what I did witness was downright effortless. It clicked. It worked. It was strong and real and natural.

And as I look around for those natural connections, well, it makes you wonder why you spend so much time on forcing what just doesn’t fit with all the other ones. And not only maybe pretending to be something you’re not, but also pretending they’re something that they, simply, are not, as well.

Do we think we’re noble or do we congratulate ourselves on being overachievers? Who taught us that it’s supposed to be difficult? And is anyone ever going to show/prove to us that it doesn’t have to be?

Oh well. Time to get ready for another harrowing week of work. Besides, at times like these, the story is best told through music. Click to play; lyrics are below the fold.


“You don’t know why I’m crazy
I don’t know why you’re blue
You messed with my head
You messed with the dead
Now I’m gonna mess with you

I don’t know why you’re lazy
I’m so in love with you
What’s God gonna see
Who’s God gonna know
When’s God gonna help us through

I can’t deny / I can’t explain / I can’t reply / I can’t refrain
I want his hands / I want his chest / I want his feet / I want his sex
I am the child / I am the whore / I am the wild woman at your door
I need to touch / I need to talk / I need to love / I need to give you, you up

What am I fighting for
If I win I lose my life
I need you more and more to
Break my will tonight

Only love can set us free
Only love can bear the truth
Only love can bring us peace
Only love can save me and you

Oh Daddy what I’ve been thinking
Only heaven knows
What’s Ma gonna see who’s Ma gonna blame
When’s Mama gonna carry you home

I have the urge / I have the mind / I have the touch / I drank the wine
I want the loss / I want the pain / I want to start my life again
I can’t define / I can’t forget / I can’t restrain the feeling of regret
I know the dead / I’m not alone / I made my bed / I want to let you you go

What am I frightened for
If I speak I lose my mind
You’ve broken down the door and there is no place to hide

Only love can set us free
Only love can bear the truth
Only love can bring us peace
Only love can save me and you

Only love can purify
Only love can conquer fear
Only love can testify
Only love can make a miracle of life.”

— Sophie B. Hawkins, “The Ballad of Sleeping Beauty

One Lonely Response to ‘Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion’

  1. Caterwauling :

    […] This was a turning point in my mind. There have been many turning points, hence my head spinning and all. But I remembered our friend Leanne, who passed away almost a year ago very suddenly, and immediately stopped feeling sorry for myself for having too many choices. […]