Ka(r)ma sutra

I hate Valentine’s Day.

Always have, hopefully won’t always.

Now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t go out and buy V-Day jammies and scandalous underwear, as I am happy to select a lucky winner who gets to see it. 😉

But the problem is, the day has been cursed for me for years. And I need to somehow build up some good karma to erase the past and make it, well, a not-sucktacular day, going forward.


A few years back, I was in what turned out to be my longest-term relationship to date (six months — woo). And it wasn’t working.

Well, that’s not entirely true. It wasn’t working for me. He was nice, good-looking and all of that, but one day I awakened and realized that I rather enjoyed complaining about him more than I actually liked spending time with him. And it also dawned on me that the more time I spent with him, the more material I garnered to, well, hate him with.

For the record (and because I know for a fact that he checks in on this page intermittently), I didn’t hate him. I was young and absolutely not interested in the regular commitment thing. Or maybe it was just that we weren’t compatible. Or that he was nuts or that he drove me nuts. Whichever. 😉

In any event, I couldn’t escape him. We went to college together, we lived in the same neighborhood, my friends were his friends. If he called home and I didn’t happen to be there, he’d talk to whomever was available. If I wanted to spend an evening alone, he’d push his way in and plant himself on the couch. Or again, if I wasn’t there, he’d want to stay and wait.

It. Drove. Me. INSANE.

Don’t get me wrong, he had to have some spectacular qualities or else I wouldn’t have let him within 25 yards of me. But at the time I decided it was over, it was O-V-E-R. Once I lose interest, stick a fork in it because it’s done. It doesn’t mean I hate ya; just means I don’t feel like going down the same roads that exhausted me in the first place. The outcome never changes — why repeat the same mistakes when there are SO many more to be made? (HAHAHA)


The short version of the story is that I broke up with him in either late January or early February of that year. I don’t know how he didn’t see it coming, or apparently I just THAT much of a prize 😉 but he didn’t take it well. He begged me to reconsider, but I didn’t want to.

So then, it happened. …

He asked for a “trial period” that would end on Valentine’s Day, thus giving him enough time to woo me back. That, and he appealed to my sense of selfishness: Neither of us would have to spend Valentine’s Day alone.

Got me there, I tell you.

I thought it was a good plan, believe it or not. Or maybe it was those sad, imploring eyes that made me cave. I also knew I was inexperienced in relationship dynamics, so I felt like maybe I owed him a second chance — that maybe there was something still there that I’d just been missing.

So, I went on to have the best two weeks of our relationship. Really! We went out, we hung out at home, we laughed and I just really, truly enjoyed him. The thing is, he knew how to push my buttons — in both good and bad ways. He was not going to be written off as insignificant — he put up a fight the whole way.

And I love a good fight. 😉

But alas, I’m not an idiot. I knew I was having the time of my life because there was an endpoint. I knew that no matter what he said or did to irritate me, I would be out of this relationship in X number of days.


So, “D” day arrived. I was working LATE. And later. And still LATER. I was pissed off mightily because it was one of those days where I was just waiting around for stuff and I wasn’t able to leave until I received it and then used the feedback to make edits into the annual report I was working on.

I don’t wait very well. I am as impatient as it gets when the velocity gets interrupted. If I’m not doing something to improve my mind or my resume, then let me go the hell home and get a fresh start tomorrow — that was my theory.

But also, I knew I had a hard night ahead of me. And instead of dreading it, I wanted to get it the hell overwith.

So, we go to a late, late dinner, as our reservations had been shot to hell by a few hours. A friend of mine happened to be our server. It was a nice dinner.

Until. …

Yup, he brought IT up just after we ordered dessert.


It was casual, a “So, we’ve been having a lot of fun this past few weeks.” Blah blah cheesycakes. “So, we’re going to move forward from here, right?”

I folded my napkin.

I took a breath.

I pondered suicide by butter knife.

I pondered homicide by butter knife.

I didn’t want to lie to him.

So, I said no.

Dessert was brought.

Tears were shed.

They weren’t mine.

I will never forget his face at that very moment.

My friend the waiter came and sat with us in the booth. He tried to joke around, draw attention from what (to me) seemed like wailing coming from my date. To show the other customers that he had our table under control.

I welcomed him. I needed him there. I honestly don’t know how I would have survived that moment without him.

I think there was some suspicion on my date’s part that I’d orchestrated it, but I didn’t even know my friend worked there. I think he also thought I was interested in him, which was not the case. I don’t break up with people to date others. I don’t believe in that. Not to say that I wouldn’t do it if the circumstances were right, but I don’t cheat and I don’t look for a new opportunity while I’m still enmeshed in something I haven’t solved yet.

It’s different when you’re casually dating or doing the one-night-stand series, but I take relationships seriously. Which is why I tend to never get into them — my goal is to find someone to invest in, someone who’s going to be around for awhile. Otherwise, figure out which hole to put it in and don’t forget to lock the door on the way out.

I’m either in it to win it or I’m in it for a minute. I’m done trying to do the in-between thing.


We tried being friends. And it’s so odd to see someone so unhappy that you’re not in their lives anymore when you don’t really care either way. I am stunned to admit that this wasn’t the last time I would break somebody’s heart — I truly do not know how it happens or what cruel joke the universe is trying to play on us that we’re always in love with someone we can’t have, and often at the same time someone is truly trying to pursue us.

In any event, I have yet to have a spectacular Valentine’s Day since then. I’ve had good ones, don’t get me wrong. I’ve gotten flowers. I met Neil on V-Day 2003.

I almost met another blogger (I’m not linking to this one) in 2004, but I had to work (WTF is with this recurring theme?) and thus had to cancel. The jinx was in full swing that year, I swear. And LAST year, I had accepted a date and got STOOD THE FUCK UP. Seriously, why invite someone out if you’re not going to BOTHER coming through?

The real tragedy was that I bought a new outfit for it. What a waste! Although I did wear the outfit on a date in November and I got my money’s worth. 😉

But back to the subject at hand, the loss wasn’t mine, in any of those cases, I’m sure. But hot damn, Universe, throw a girl a bone here!

This year, I’ll be traveling for work for the holiday. So if something wild and wonderful and magical happens, it’s not going to be in D.C.

But I think the universe knows that I’m weary. And I’ve more than paid my dues for breaking the boy’s heart on the most sacred of Hallmark holidays. I just hope that this year or next, I’ll have a reason to celebrate again.

5 Responses to Ka(r)ma sutra

  1. Neil Morse :

    Feh. Bitterness and bile are a lot more fun. I’m going to wear all black on Valentine’s Day this year, possibly with an armband and a veil.

    One of these years, we should have a Lead Arrow party, so named because whomever Cupid shot with a lead arrow eschewed love. We can do the ritual Trashing of Shady Exes, Mourning of Old Flames, and Getting of Drunk-off-yo-ass.

  2. trouble :

    I hope you have a wonderful trip and that something magical does happen for you. That would be coolio.

  3. Old Freind :

    Just tink you could be getting OOOOKed at ……… makes ya want to douch with battery acid don’t it????????

  4. Goddess Dawn :

    I love you all.

    And Old Freind, holy SHIT, can i get an AMEN!!!!

  5. Caterwauling :

    […] I’ve told you before about my Valentine’s Day curse and the suckage it yields every year. It’s the same thing with Christmas and birthdays — when other people are surrounded by family, friends and lovers and doing the togetherness thing, I’m usually by myself. Is it by choice? Yes and no. Yes I’m too busy to really go out to meet people and no, I’ve had it with timesaving methods like meeting online and/or parking my ass at a bar and hoping for the best. I buy myself something on each of those days because there ain’t nobody else clamoring to show me that my existence means a thing to this world. […]