Caterwauling

I decided to roll up to the Bed Bath & Beyond in Rockville, Md., as it is was my favorite location of that store. And I will gladly give away all my BBBY discount coupons to anyone who wants ’em, ’cause I ain’t going back there.

The store’s fine and delightful. It’s the customers who’ve turned me homicidal today.

I was having a perfectly pleasant day till I pulled into the parking lot. As I was pulling in, a car was leaving. It was too awkward to pull in and I didn’t want to block traffic, so I waited till the guy left (I went past the spot) and backed in.

It was a first spot — the type of spot I never get. The holy grail of parking spots, if you will, during this ridiculous holiday season. (Whoever said we’re in a recession clearly hasn’t shopped in Montgomery County lately.)

So anyway, I needed to straighten the car because I didn’t pull in very well. And this raving lunatic cunt who had wanted the spot — and CERTAINLY felt entitled to it — because she’d been behind me, decided to park right in front of me. Like, BLOCkING ME IN.

I figured she was trying to be intimidating. But you know, for all the spots that have been stolen from under my nose, and for all the assholes who went through the four-way stops when it was my turn to do so, and for the dumb bitch at the previous parking lot (Old Navy) who took SO FUCKING LONG to vacate a spot that I just simply moved on to another one, I wasn’t exactly concerned that I had ruined her day.

So I was fussing with stuff in the car. I wasn’t getting out. She and her two kids all shoved their ugly faces out of her window and GLARED at me. I looked up once or twice and went back to rooting around in my purse for my BBBY coupons.

After I’d wasted at least five to seven minutes and a Beltway-sized traffic jam was consuming Congressional Village, I finally looked at her. With a big smile.

She wasn’t going anywhere and those ugly, surly faces still stared back at me.

I shrugged and said, “What?”

She yelled that I am a “very rude and inconsiderate young woman who TOOK MY SPOT.”

I said, “And?”

I mean, WTF, right? I couldn’t pull out WITH HER BLOCKING ME IN. And God forbid I get the good spot so I can run right and use the bathroom quickly, since my bladder has the capacity of a shot glass. GOD FORBID GODDESS GETS A FUCKING BREAK ONCE IN A WHILE.

She kept saying — with EXAGGERATED PATIENCE — what a terrible person I am. I liked my spot but I admit, I was afraid to get out lest the cunt whore would dent it. In retrospect, I realize it’s already dented so what’s a little more damage?

And seriously, the traffic jam was out of control. So I figured, fuck it. Even though she was convinced I was the Antichrist, I would be the better person and leave the spot.

I debated ramming her. I really did. If she wanted to prove a point, so could I. I can out-cunt any of you cunty cunt bitch whores out there. Don’t test me. That’s all I’ve got to say.

In fact, I did turn on the car. Ugly whore and her ugly kids were all still giving me the same ugly look. I hoped God would freeze their faces like that. Of course, maybe those WERE their faces. Who knows?

I thought OK, maybe fat bitch couldn’t waddle very far. I was trying to be nice (that was as close as I could get). My fat ass might be healthier and could stand to walk a little farther.

Now, I refuse to be intimidated. But as I debated about whether to ram the whore or to actually tell the fucking cow to move her ugly family out of my goddamned way, I figured it just wasn’t worth it. She seemed perfectly happy to park there for the next two hours. And I’m sorry, I gots shit to do. (Well, more like “piss” to do, but whateev.)

So she’s still telling me how little she thinks of me in her extreme-calm voice. I yelled. “Fine. How do you expect me to move if you keep sitting there?”

So she moved the car in reverse, creating even more chaos in the parking lot. As I drove by, I yelled, “Since having this spot is so FUCKING important, enjoy it!”

She yelled back in a “nice” voice, “You’re such a rude person.”

I said, “Oh yeah? Well FUCK YOU.”

I of course could not find a spot in the rest of the lot but her very-able ass walked into the store with her two kids (who were middle- and high-school aged) just fine.

I did park and did make it into the store. I noticed I was walking around with a very tight fist. Don’t make me use my left hook on you. My rings alone will cause some dents. And if my jewelry breaks on your face, it’ll only piss me off more.

I did see those dumb bitches in the store. And you know, factoring out their ugly faces in mine in the parking lot as they BULLIED ME out of my spot, they actually could have been considered attractive.

And instead of punching them (I wasn’t seeking them out, I promise! They just happened to be blocking me from leaving an aisle. Now who’s rude and inconsiderate?), I decided to feel sorry for those kids.

I’m sure the mother was trying to make this a teachable moment to stand up for what you feel entitled to, and to use intimidation as force and to never, ever raise your voice.

Misguided, much?

I’m always bemused by people who resort to name-calling and insult-hurling when they are out of other options to resolve a situation. I can just imagine them cussing me out long after I’ve laughed them off. (Laughing *at* them, let’s be clear, not *with* them.)

I know that’s what wounded people do — pitch a bitch and use foul language to express their frustration. It’s not a grown-up way to handle a situation, but I hate to say, I understand feeling like you’ve just got to let people *know* how much you hate them.

And yes, that’s what I did here. But anyone who knows me, knows that swearing is just a way of life. I have so few vices — don’t take my “fuck” word away from me. 😉

And maybe I *am* growing. I did not tell her how I plan for her to perish. (I’m thinking fire, as in DIAF.) I figured someone THAT intent on proving a point to her kids probably didn’t curse much. I was actually going to yell, “And by the way, there’s no Santa!” but I certainly didn’t want to ruin it for the GOOD citizens of MoCo just because this twat nozzle was worthy of that and so much more.

Although I was HIGHLY tempted to go let the air out of the tires of her silver Nissan — Maryland plate M542627 — I figured she can stay smug all she wants to but I’m still the better person for not feeling the need to inconvenience the City of Rockville to prove a point or try to intimidate someone who is just trying to get through a day, too.

I admit I was annoyed to see all the crap in their cart. Her family is having a Christmas. Mine isn’t. I ain’t got shit to celebrate. Thanks for taking away my joy for the brief amount of time I allowed her to do so. Whore.

Again, I’m trying very hard to think that maybe she simply needed to win a battle (that didn’t have to be one) to feel whole and good and not take it out on her kids. I dunno. I’m not feeling overly sympathetic right now. The way I look at it, I solved a traffic jam that she created. I got some exercise. And I was too annoyed to really shop and therefore didn’t spend any money in the store.

So, really, didn’t I emerge the winner in this?

But if anyone sees that car on the road and just so happens to cut her off, hit her as she’s traversing a crosswalk, or otherwise shove a large Christmas tree up her ass, color me grateful and know that I appreciate that more than anything Santa could bring!

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 14th, 2008 at 5:39 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.