Zen again

Thanks to each and every one of you who have offered me kind and helpful comments, and a special thanks to one of you in particular who contacted me to offer personal assistance in the job search. The resume is updated, it’s been sent to my lovely reader (I’ll keep you anonymous for now!), and I also applied for a job in my area! Unfortunately, some application error ensued during the last adventure, so I will send a hard copy post-haste.

I didn’t sleep well, thinking about another fault of my boss — she criticizes the person, not the behavior. When she stepped into my office on Thursday, she said, “I am embarrassed. You embarrassed me and I apologized to (the staff person) for your behavior.” Several months ago, she’d said, “I am disappointed in you.”

Mom has been great. She said she did not abuse me as a child; she did everything she could to instill confidence and the ability to dream as well as to be proud of who I am and to share my gifts with others. And it pains her to see the “spiritual massacre” that keeps occurring at all of my jobs. She knows I’m in trouble spiritually when she doesn’t hear from me. And she’s right — the worse things get, the more inward I turn. That’s basically because my lack of brain/mouth filter will get me into even more trouble. I have always been excoriated and definitely punished for saying exactly what I think at the exact moment I feel it. I pull no punches at work — everyone, at any given time, knows where they stand with me. And I get in trouble because I fight for my job, for my product, for my well-being. I do not feel this is a punishable action. Sometimes my methods aren’t what others would view as politically correct, but I always, always put on a good face for the public and for stakeholders. Companies brag that they foster communication across departments as well as levels of management, but they sure do slap you on the wrist the second you share with them your doubts, your ideas, your struggles, your values.

Don’t worry — I will start my business someday. Isabel had asked what was holding me back. I will tell you. I give myself to my job full-throttle. And when I come home, I lie on the couch and am too tired to function, either mentally or physically. Angie says it’s like when you break up with someone — it takes twice as long to get over the relationship. Same thing with meetings, with workdays, with setbacks — you need to allow some time to lick your wounds and repair your armor so that you can get through the next day. You take eight hours of pain, then 16 hours to recuperate so you can go into your next eight hours of hell.

No more.

No more.

No MORE!!!

I registered a professional domain for myself. I am not good with the web design, though. There is a SiteStudio where I can plug in stuff and the Web host will crank out a page for me. I don’t have a lot to put on the site, other than my dreams. But I will get there. Where there is a will, there is a way, and I’ve never fallen short on having ideas.

So, anyway, bear with me during this difficult time. I took my coins and turned them into grocery money, so I am OK till payday on the 22nd. Just no going out till then, which is fine. I guess I needed a reason to sit at home and spend some time salvaging my career and my sanity. In a year from now, none of us will remember how taxing these days have been. 🙂

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