Whoa
My supervisor didn’t approve my budget at our meeting today — but the weird part is that she asked me to spend more money.
We were asked to cut 10 percent from our FY 2005 budgets, so I chopped out a good $53K. The only way I could do that was to cut one issue of the magazine out of the schedule, thus having 11 runs a year instead of 12. Not only that, but I also cut out all freelance writers’ services, because I think the money is better spent retaining our designer (they actually wanted us to bring the layout in-house — I deal with so much shit all month that I don’t think I would be mentally stable enough to lay out the paper, too).
My supervsior told me to budget for all 12 issues and to build in four freelance stories — she really feels that my budget should be spared from the suggested 10 percent belt-tightening. I was surprised — I really went into this meeting prepared to do battle because I thought they’d sooner see me get rid of the designer than a full issue.
But the weird news is that my supervisor and I really bonded today over a number of issues. I expressed my disgust with the fact that some of us with really good titles have little decision-making authority, when it comes down to it. I also said it bothers me that, like my last job, policies and procedures change depending on the mood of Cruise Director. And we had a long talk about how sometimes when you try to move forward on something because no one has the time to give you guidance, you get burned. And I wondered how many times she got burned before she became the type of worker she is today, which is often indecisive and definitely unsure about the decisions she does support.
I became that at my last job — scared to take a step forward, for fear of being slapped back into place. That scarred me for life, and I don’t want to be afraid. And unfortunately, I play a lot of political games (I’m the object known as the pawn). I told her that at a “real” publication, I could tell people to grow up and deal with things — that the rules can’t be bent just because they have big mouths and can create a lot of trouble until they get their ways.
Kind of like this recent debacle in which I interviewed the former child molestor, and everyone went apeshit and is trying to get me fired because of it. They get a hair up their asses, and who only knows how long it takes till Cruise Director gives them their ways (as he often does) just to stop the round-robin of e-mails and calls he gets. I doubt he would ever tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves and should maybe try being the professionals they supposedly are. Shit, this one wench running for president of the association started a flame war against me (unbeknownst to me), yet all the while we’ve been trading e-mails and having conversations in which she’s told me what a great job she thinks I’m doing. Fucking hypocritical asswipe.
At any rate, I just got home from work and I am tired. I have to wait around till things come together or people send me things, so my day really doesn’t even start until the early afternoon. Which, of course, means I work late. I still can’t figure out why my presence is required in the office during the a.m. hours — lord knows I’m not even awake enough to function even if I DID have the submissions at that time of day!
Motivation is hard to come by at work for me lately, even more so than usual. But we’re going into hella-busy time, and that’s the only time I feel vital. So I’ll be working a lot, but know that I am loving (every other) minute of it! 😉