The sincerest pumpkin in the patch
Work is great. I look forward to starting my second week tomorrow. I could see myself being there for quite some time.
A whole lot of new expenses have just arisen, which makes me reticent to withdraw from all my income sources right now. So I’m exhausted all the time with a schedule that isn’t sustainable.
I figure, other people have kids; I have jobs. But why do I still feel so scared about money? How do other people do this?
I also have a little project that Mom and I do together sometimes. Now that I get out of the house daily, I do it on my own, too. It involves a little time and a little money, on a daily basis.
I’m sick of donating to a system that doesn’t take care of everyone who needs something. So I’m adopting my own little corner of the world to take care of.
I cry every day at how unfair life is for so many — truly I do. And sure, maybe I shed a piteous tear for myself in there sometimes. But even when things have been at their hardest for me, I’ve been able to pay forward some good, even if it’s just a little tiny bit.
Life’s been good to me. Even if I’m too paranoid to see it sometimes.
Mom reminded me tonight that I have a hard time feeling like I deserve anything good happening to me. I’m always looking for the bucket of water over the door frame, to ruin it all. Even though you’ll never meet anyone who tries harder than me, I always feel like I fall short.
It’s funny. I hoped and prayed so hard for this next phase of my life to arrive. And now that it’s here, the uncertainty has only just begun in earnest.
Oh well. I’m not the smartest person or the quickest learner or the most clever or creative, but I am the sincerest pumpkin in the patch. And I’ll do the best I can. Maybe someday, for someone, that will be enough. Perhaps even for me, too. …