Caterwauling

Amazing the random series of thoughts that plague you when you’re sitting with a notebook all day, writing them down as they occur to you. …

DOMESTICITY

It is only now that we are being evicted that my neighbors and I talk to each other. And other than the B.O./cologne bandit bunch, I’ve been coexisting with some really good people. Although I am jealous that most of them are buying property to move to. And I also never realized how HOT Eddie in 103 is. *rowr*

I think I might have to hire movers. Because if it’s me and the two who offered to help, I am going to end up throwing away a lot more than I already planned to.

No, I still haven’t found a place. I haven’t even bought any boxes, let alone packed them. I keep hoping for a miracle to fall into my lap and I’ll find my dream place and it’ll be just the right price and I’ll walk out of the house with the clothes on my back and a cat under each arm and start all over from scratch.

I’m looking to move pretty quickly. I need to be out at the end of May but I understand lots of people are away from work that month and I get the idea that it would be appreciated if I did the life-upheaval thing sooner rather than later (read: April). It’s a money issue at this point, although I’d prostitute myself to not have to sit in traffic again anytime soon!

I think my blood pressure will go down quite measurably when my commute evaporates. I mean, that’s two hours a day, on average, that I’m in the car when I’ve got laundry/cleaning/going out/other fun stuff that I could be doing otherwise.

EXISTENTIALISM

I’ve been a big fat ball of suck lately. Stressed out, worried, exhausted, unhappy. Because I am the type of person who pretends everything is shiny and happy and fine until the point comes when I’m ready to erupt (usually over something dumb). I’ve in effect pushed everyone away from me and when I need to process my thoughts aloud the most, I don’t feel right dumping it on anybody. So I don’t.

The thing about that? My theory on friendships is like the bank account — both make deposits, both can withdraw. I’ve been the friend who kept adding to the account while others were only siphoning and there was nothing left for me in the end. And now, I’ve become the one who hasn’t been adding anything and I feel I have no right to even ask for an advance.

You know what worries me more than anything? When my hunches and visions and deja vu dissipate. I fare well when I get a glimpse of the future — even if it’s simply a future that I want (i.e., a daydream) rather than something that might actually be coming (i.e., a premonition).

I had a heart-to-heart talk with myself today, and it came to me that I can see the NEXT part of my life clearly — I just can’t see how I will GET there from here. But identifying the problem is probably half of the solution. I’ve been busy picking at scabs when I should be slathering them with Neosporin.

I have a question to answer for my performance review regarding where I’d like to see my career in 12 months. I am thinking about applying that one to my life (not to turn in to be kept in my personnel file, mind you) — where do I want to be in 12 months? Lately I feel like I’ve been swimming against the current, like I’ve sort of been trying to fight against things that are probably naturally ordained to happen. Let’s chalk this one up to “Needs Improvement” and not ask someone with my (current) self-image to try to rate herself when she’s feeling like a 3 out of 10 in just about every life domain at present.

It’s been a crappy couple of weeks for me. Just a random series of suckitude coupled with feeling like shit on a shoe. There’s a line from one of my favorite songs that says, “How do you dream when you can’t fall asleep?” And I haven’t been sleeping. Nor have I been dreaming. It’s been sort of voluntary, though — like I’ve thrown the wrench into the works in this odd experiment in which I tried to discover if I’d be happier if I didn’t dream at all because you can’t miss what you never wanted.

IN SUM

Believe it or not, I’m in a healthier mindset than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve just been struggling because there are so many things I’ve wanted to do — things I’ve wanted to love and cherish — and I’m just not feeling it. At least, maybe not in their current incarnations. And Miss Passive-Aggressive takes it out on herself for not being able to be Suzy Sunshine even on the small scale — for coming apart at the seams when she tries to stuff her true self away. For searching relentlessly for peace and for seemingly missing it at every turn. For knowing what I want and not going after it, well, just because.

I’m not as perfect as I thought I was 10 years ago. Not even close. But I’m starting to see that instead of getting mad at myself for not being as self-sufficient as I claimed I’d always be, I need to channel that energy into cultivating an environment where someone else might not be afraid to step in and help. Because right now, there’s barbed wire surrounding an electric fence, in which I have ensnared myself. And maybe instead of keeping the doors closed so that no one can see the mess inside, it’ll be a relief to let someone else in long enough for them to say, “It’s not so bad. Really.”

Because I’ll bet it really isn’t. All I need is the fresh perspective — one I will believe in — to see that.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 6th, 2006 at 5:37 PM and is filed under Existential Meanderings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.