I just realized something. Brat just crossed my mind for a second (damn iTunes and your songs that remind me of him! damn you to hell!), and I realized that, for as much as I wanted him once upon a time, I’d probably end up cheating on him. Seeing him for a fling put everything into a crystally clear perspective for me; well, not necessarily the fling, but the chilling out afterward. I realized that I could possibly find happiness with him, or I could possibly murder him in his sleep — but nothing in between. I even admitted to him that, before I saw him, I was prepared to kiss him or kill him. 🙂 Sure, I’d love to see him again at some point in the future, but I won’t turn blue waiting. And I know it would only be for a drunken night anyway. I guess he’s beyond the point of wanting or needing to impress me. I want that — I want someone who’s always trying to outrun me, to keep me entertained, to keep searching for my different pressure points (mentally, people — minds outta the gutter NOW!) and trying different combinations. Cerebral Twister, if you will.

With the music, I just had a flash of how much time I spent chasing after him and hurting because of him just a year ago. I don’t know — I just felt good around him — his eyes would sparkle toward me, and therefore, I would sparkle. He would walk beside me, and I’d feel him even if we were a foot apart. Perhaps because it were all so forbidden at the time, it was sweeter. I don’t know. I was really wondering what would happen this time … now that he invited me to be with him, now that the dizzy Romeo-and-Juliet forbiddenness were lifted, now that we were a year older and supposedly wiser.

What happened was that I was grown-up enough to know that this is as far as the ride goes, and this is where I get off. (pun intended) And that he’s got to either start building tracks toward me, or extend the tracks I might have left behind me. But alas, if intuition serves me correctly (and it always does), I’ve given this lone entry about as much thought as he’s given me since I left. I could be wrong, but I see no evidence to contradict the statement, either.

He’d make a great second husband for me — he’s stable and set in his ways and very much rooted to his family and friends. And while I love that in him, I need somebody to root himself with me (and preferably in me), someone who’s wild and wonderful and willing to take a chance on whatever-may-be. I gave Brat the opportunity to be that man — he has an open invitation to come down to D.C. whenever the mood strikes. Maybe it will be in a year-and-a-half, as he had joked it would be. Or maybe it will be sooner. My money’s on never, and I’m not a betting woman. But one thing I will bet on is that I am going to continue having fun and doing my thing without him. And they always come around. I can make lists of the men I’ve left behind who have sought me out whether weeks, months or even years down the road. I say that not with pride but with a general understanding. We want what we gave up, or we want what walked away from us. Whether they gave me the boot, or I just got tired of their (insert actions here), they come across a perfume, a photo, a memory of you, and they give you a call or an e-mail. It’s OK — I’ve been known to do that too. Maybe things can go back to where they were, but they rarely go to where they should have been. And that’s a hope I won’t let myself hold onto, for it’s a dream and only that.

J.O. from high school always said that the one who tamed me would be the one who keeps me. I agree 50 percent with that statement. On one hand, the one for whom I want to settle down had better be worth settling down for! But on the other hand, I want someone who loves me for my impulsivity and love of the serendipitous, and I want someone who enables that wanderlust. But maybe when you find the one who makes you want to surrender your wanderlust, that just means that you’ve found the point where your journey needs to merge with theirs, and your wanderlust turns spontaneously into direction. Maybe I can handle that. Someday. Just not today! 😉

*Off to find some dancin’ shoes!*

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