‘No truth is ever a lie’
“Life is a moment in space
When the dream is gone
It’s a lonelier place.”— Barbra Streisand, “Woman in Love”
I’ve been listening to enough classic Streisand to officially qualify me as a gay man, but Babs has me thinking today.
I realized that especially lately, although it could be true at pretty much any time for me, all I am doing is either fighting feelings or faking them.
Mostly fighting, though. I don’t have the energy to fake anything. Don’t want to reward less-than-impressive behavior with that faking thing, either. 😉
Squelching and practically disowning all the things that have been in my head and heart is, effectively, killing me. Not literally, but the “me” that I happen to know and love is crumbling, to some degree. I’m torn between focusing on what I want/think I want and dealing with either being wrong about it or not being able to get those things, whether it’s for a real reason or because I just don’t know how to fight any harder to stay the course.
I don’t think I was wrong about anything. I have great faith in my own intuition and decisions. I think the universe puts the dreams in my head and heart for a reason, and I don’t think that reason is to squash them like a pumpkin under a runaway tractor’s wheels.
But as for the faking, while I’d never say I faked any interest/desire at any point, maybe I did. Or maybe I faked being OK. Or maybe I faked NOT being OK. I don’t know. I spend so much time reconciling what’s there with what I want to be with what shouldn’t be that I just don’t know anymore.
But in either case, fighting or faking, for what? Because it might make someone else uncomfortable? Because it could elicit the exact conditions I was looking for? I don’t get it.
Do you people know what I’m willing to give up to be happy?
I guess it’ll be awhile longer before we find out.
July 11th, 2007 at 11:12 AM
Not a babs fan, but “Guilty”, her duet with Barry Gibb, friggin rocks. Been looking for someone to do that with at karaoke for years.