Caterwauling

OK, so I get a call from this headhunter firm that was apparently trying to get in touch with me all the way back to that horrible half-year when I wasn’t working. (Um, OK. I would have like answered the call, I’d think.) And they have big, interesting job opportunities. Like, one in particular. In my old neighborhood, literally up the fucking street from my old apartment. And it sounds pretty darned good.

But it would have sounded better a long time ago. Not just because I lived right there, but well, I don’t hate where I’m at in life in general. I chose to move closer to my job because I really didn’t want to give it up for something closer by. I think the eviction notice came at just the right time — I took it as my one-way ticket out of town and far away from places and things that just no longer worked for me.

I know I’m not rolling in dough or anything (far from it), but when they asked my salary range and I said, “I wouldn’t leave for less than X,” with X being just around the corner, they said, “Oh.” As in, “Well, we were thinking of a number that’s at least 10 less than that.”

And I had a moment in which I wondered if their e-mail HAD gotten through to me way back when. I’d been dying inside, digesting myself over the lack of a career (not just lack of money — I’d lost my whole identity because work was all I had to define it). Where would I be now? I wouldn’t live in D.C. I wouldn’t love my apartment building. I wouldn’t have met so many people who are crucial to helping me get through the day-to-day drama. I might have been employed sooner than I was, but the things I would have missed out on? I wouldn’t have given them up for anything, knowing in hindsight how much I’d miss them if I didn’t have them to look forward to.

In any event, she had other opportunities and ideas, and I’m willing to hear her out. But just that. Because in this oddly jarring moment, I realized that it’s not comfort that keeps me where I am. It’s not laziness or fear of change. It’s that I want to be exactly right where I’m standing because, for whatever reason(s), it’s where I’m meant to be. …

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 3rd, 2006 at 4:10 PM and is filed under Existential Meanderings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.