‘I always think of you, but you will think of me smiling’

“Change has begun
So cease your regrets
I make good mistakes
And I’m not over yet.”

— Jimmie’s Chicken Shack, “Smiling”

Another day that kicked my ass up and down Rockville Pike, but today I had a tiny but significant victory, so let’s call this one a win.

Most days I can’t comprehend why people turn to psychotropics or hallucinogenics to get through, but other days, I can totally get down with frying one’s brain temporarily.

As I told someone today, I’m so crabby lately, it’s time for a bath in drawn butter. And that’s about the only preface that you can put on an “Eat me!” comment that won’t get you sent to human resources. 😉

I’m getting to a point where I’m so overloaded in all aspects of life that I’m tired enough to screw up. I haven’t, knock on wood, but I can see it happening if I don’t slow the hell down. What amazes me is how I’m actually trying to add MORE to my life.

Pressure never fazes me. I can’t get enough of the challenges and responsibilities and am always up for more. But on days like today, I’m thinking that being average wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But then I meet average people who are clearly happy that way, and they aggravate me to no end.

And I think about dating because, of course, I’m a girl and I’m not willing to hit my sexual peak alone. 🙂 And I think wow, I’ve achieved more than 10 people put together, and people might have the audacity to reject you based on some minor thing in you that they perceive as a flaw when you can run circles around them.

It’s a funny trap, how sometimes people can make you feel like you’re not worthy of their time, attention, affection, whatever — and even if they don’t try to, that’s what their actions or lack thereof can convey. And maybe that’s what pushes people like me to excel at everything else, that you just won’t miss them missing out on you.

I guess, during a rare free moment the other day, I found myself pondering whether the magic is/was only an illusion, and whether I’m dumb enough to keep trying to figure out the difference. But maybe it was only finite — maybe I saw something that wasn’t meant to last, and I was lucky to have witnessed some sort of cosmic miracle.

Like it was said on the “House” rerun from last night, apparently life is a series of rooms, and your experiences and memories are based on who’s in the room with you at any given time. But I guess we all leave those rooms, and move on to bigger and better ones. As I find myself wandering a hallway right now, I’ve got to remember that before I choose the next room to enter … and to close the door on rooms already visited or those that just don’t have a good vibe about them from the doorway.

Or maybe I just need to not stop in vacant rooms anymore and just head straight to the party. That would probably save a lot of time and effort, but for some reason, I’m afraid of missing out on something special so I’m always spelunking for it. I just hope my hands won’t be too full when I find whatever it is that I think I’m looking for. I guess I also hope that I’ll find something even better than I imagined, if I just keep at it long enough.

I don’t know. I do know I’m doing fine overall, even if I’m just exhausted and crabalicious and seemingly aimless sometimes. A couple of people have said to me recently, “Wow, things really seem to be going well for you.” And honestly, they’re right. I really have no complaints. I think I’m just imagining that I’m hitting a wall when really I’m just punching through the plateau so things can get even better.

Growth hurts sometimes, but it’ll feel good when I can overcome the fear of heights long enough to look down and see how far I’ve come. I get so focused on where I’m NOT that I don’t think much about where I’ve BEEN.

And perhaps that’s where I’ll get the strength to turn around and resume the climb with renewed spirit.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

“Breathing is really cool, I love my life
Every reason in the world to be smiling.”

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