Where have you been all my life?

I swear, I’m in dating-service hell. I gave up on one service because for the cost of meeting someone, I could instead afford a nice tropical cruise.

(And which would YOU rather have, honestly? Exactly. Sing it with me: “Vacation, all I ever wanted. Vacation, had to get away!” Sorry about that Go-Gos earworm; I had to share the misery!)

Anyway, so I’ve been getting e-mails from a couple of the online services that I’ve joined. And folks are, shall we say, less than creative with their subject lines. You know — those things that are supposed to entice me to open the damn message, like to show that they read my profile and weren’t just blinded by the goddess-ness of it all.

Little did I know I’d be getting a blog entry out of this epic adventure.


Last week, I saw this note pop up, “I love dogs, too!” And I’m thinking, you know, I write epics about myself and who I want to end up with. I toss out a dozen conversation starters in my essays. My username isn’t something I’d normally affiliate myself with, but I figure if I’m trying to attract hetero men, I can’t do something girly and frilly and goddess-y.

So this “I love dogs” business. I’m thinking what a lazy son of a bitch. I have no dogs. Either he’s doing form letters and spamming potential mates in the hopes that one of them is going to happen to love dogs and bite, or he’s just that plain dumb. (And believe me, I know dumb. There’s someone I know whom someone else thinks is a drunk; trust me, I just don’t think the lights are on OR that anyone’s home — it ain’t booze-induced.)


Anyway, so I’m thinking, “I ain’t paying to read this stupid message!” because really, I have CATS. Read the fucking profile already. I don’t have photos of them; I simply mention them in a checkbox/list-style area.

As far as where they’d pull dogs out of their ass, there’s another checkbox, after “Pets I Have,” for “Pets I’d Like to Have.” And well, I checked “dog.” I like dogs. Don’t love them. I’d sell you my cats for a cup of coffee — THAT I’D BUY FOR YOU — because I’m up to my ass cheeks in cleaning animal excrement. So what kind of tool finds that miniscule detail and hones in on it?

Sure, I like a dude who’s detail-oriented, but that level of detail tends to freak me the fuck out because “those” kind of guys tend to have no peripheral vision, as they’re so focused on the minutiae.


So this leads me to think that I don’t want to pay to read Captain Kooky’s e-mail. I mean, wow, you love dogs, too? We’re meant to be together! You have two ears? OMIGOD, me too! You sit down to poop, too? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

Anyway, I got a bunch more messages last night, and it occurs to me that one particular service must just automatically assign the subject lines, because they’re all, “I’m into (X activity), too!”

I think it’ll be worth the price of admission to at least open the letter from the one who’s into fine wines. Means he has to have SOME level of class, I hope. 🙂

GAWD, why can’t I just meet someone in person like in the “good old days”? OK, let’s face it, without the Internet, I’d probably never really meet anyone to date, and the ones I do find in person are about as questionable sometimes as the ones hiding behind a quasi-clever screen name.

But shit, for the money we have to dump into these dating services, it’s like paying for a date anyway — it just feels like a rip-off to not at least get a movie or something out of it. Makes me feel not just like a tool, but the whole damn toolBOX, to pay $40 a month to sit on my ass in front of my computer when I could be out seeing the world.

Fuck, who can afford the actual DATES after you pay to be “introduced” to them at your computer?!?!

Prince Charming, are you out there or am I just swimming toward the next lily pad for nothing?

One Lonely Response to Where have you been all my life?

  1. chris :

    I hear you LOUD and Crystal clear on the internet dating thing. And I am not usually the positive polly about anything, becuase to say I was skeptical about meeting anyone quality would have been very very generous.
    But it does work. If you are dilligent and meet a guy who isn;t an asshole or a complete liar or functioning alcoholic ( I don’t mind if you drink often. Just go to work every day. At least every other).