Holiday movies for kids …

Rejected title: ‘Anthropomorphic fucktards run around in the snow and giggle

reviewed by and for the cynical adult. These are real reviews for real movies — a bit old but still funny as shit.

On the “Christmas in the Snow” Teletubbies movie: They say the secret to a successful movie pitch is distilling the plot down to a single sentence. For example, Die Hard’s pitch would be “Man fights terrorists in an office building,” while the pitch for Never Been Kissed would be “Drew Barrymore eats own weight in fudge.” Well, if that theory is correct, Teletubbies might be the most successful movie of all time, because its pitch is simply “Anthropomorphic fucktards run around in the snow and giggle.”

From “The Christmas Story Keepers”:So it’s pretty exciting stuff. Between bouts of hiding behind inanimate objects, the fat guy sits the children down and tells them Bible stories. It’s also worth noting that the segues into these stories are always set up in the most blatant manner possible, such as having one of the kids say, “Look at that river! I wish *I* could walk on the water!” To which the fat guy will naturally respond, “You know who could walk on water? JESUS.” These segues are easily the most enjoyable moments of the film, and some of them had me cracking up. In fact, I’ve spent the last several days annoying everybody in my life by shamelessly copying this movie (“You know who else hated ninjas? JESUS.” “You know who else sucked at Mario Kart? JESUS.”). So for those who have complained that my reviews are always too negative, there’s a positive point for you. This movie makes blasphemy fun for the whole family.”

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