For lack of the mental capacity to do a REAL post. ..

“You’re caught in someone else’s tragedy

lighting matches in the wind

but you’re already lost so there’s no turning back

From the places you’ve forgotten to the ones you never left

from all the things you said to all the things you really meant

from everything you might have been to everything you are instead

here’s to no regrets, here’s to no regrets.”

— Jodi Sheeler, “No Regrets” —

It would be easy for me to fall face-down into a puddle of regret right now, but so help me, it’s onward (and presumably, upward) from here.

Battled for my job. The powers-that-be somehow got the impression (not out of my own mouth) that I fully intended to follow IKEA Boy out the door. Sadly, not one of them dared to confront me about that till today, and well, I refuted it. ASAP. Vehemently, too.

I explained that other than my disappointment about the raise/promotion not happening on schedule, otherwise, I am perfectly fine with my job and I’m more than competent to do it as well as to shoulder my sudden shitload of additional responsibility. I played the role beautifully, but it really angered me that I had to be placed in such a position to fight for my job, and it wasn’t of my own doing. From what they told me, they had been informed by my very own supervisor that I have been bitter and disgusted for a long while, and well, it’s only natural that they went on the information that was presented to them.

It was a time for many revelations on their part. For instance, as far as IKEA Boy not getting his tuition, well, guess what — they were looking at a way to make it up to him throughout the upcoming semester, but his conversation with the cruise director at Club Medicated didn’t get that far because he quit before the offer could be made. Granted, I wasn’t in the room when it all went down, but for the fact that they seemed to have a good plan, well, I hate to say it but I was damn impressed with them.

As for me, it is my assumption that if they were going to do right by him, well, I was next on the list. And it infuriates me that I now have to bend over backward to get what’s now due to me. Granted, I’ve never been scared by a little bit of hard work and a lot of improvising, and well, that is now my future. Of course, this all had to happen on a month when we haven’t been in the office for weeks, and I’m behind as it were with my stories. But I’ve gotten a running start on four of them — rather, I have at least one interview lined up for each. And I am not promising my usual stellar stories, but these will be passable.

I got read the riot act of behaviors that they will no longer put up with (again, not my own behaviors, but new expectations of me and the position that I am presently filling). As the Interim Editor of the Veggie Patch Gazette, I was warned about pushing deadlines and inflicting mood swings on the office, and I gave them a piece of my own mind on that one. I said that I firmly believe in professional decorum, and if I’m having a bad day, well, that’s my own problem, and I am going to slap a smile on my face like I have always done and make sure the world thinks I’m having a ball. I told them that while I am torn in a thousand directions right now, well, I’ve essentially tossed down my anchor and I’m in for the long haul, but that I am going to need their support in order to pull off what will be, essentially, a miracle, given that deadline day is in a week and press day is in two weeks.

And I promised to go to the Veggie Patch Holiday Fiesta on Friday. Overwhelming joy is not the first phrase that will escape my mouth on that front, but you know what? I had such an outpouring of support from the staff, vendors and editors with whom I have been in contact that, well, I might just have a shot in hell of making this work. And as far as the Fiesta, some of the girls from Operations told me that they were glad that I was coming along (we all ended up smoking outside together today) — they said we’d all figure out a way to make it fun. Nobody’s really bringing a guest, and they indicated that they are looking forward to welcoming me into the smokers’ circle and giving me a chance to relax and laugh. This, my friends, made me very happy, that I haven’t secluded myself so much that they decided to write me off.

I was the office centerpiece today. I was in super-early, and all day, people were casually peeking in, seeing if I really were there. Everyone gave me kind words and asked how I happened to be holding up. I said I was strong, I was ready, I was prepared to go to the mat for this publication. And while my words were rehearsed and crafted for today, well, they weren’t totally empty. What could I tell them? That I’m sick and sad and nauseated and betrayed and hurt and furious? That I have to be the cleanup crew again, and that this time, it’s my career in addition to my sanity that is on the line?

On that note, I have HAD IT with wielding the toilet brush after other people’s shitstorms. HAD IT!!! Granted, I am turning this shitpile into a brilliant opportunity for myself, but god damn it, I need to realize who my friends really are, and when the shit came rolling down the hill, it was Shan who was going to battle for me. It was Shan who persuaded the crew to give me an opportunity to say my peace. It was Shan who listened to me rant and rave and curse and cry, and it was Shan who coached me on how to pull off that meeting today so that I was the one in control and I was the one who got the most satisfaction from it.

I assured the crew that I am the person that they want to have in their lifeboat during a crisis, that I am brilliant at rising from the ashes, so to speak. And unfortunately, I am going to be operating on crisis mode till I get this issue to the printer, but I assured them that I am going to get us out of crisis mode for the next issue. I was honest with them — they wanted to know my strengths and deficiencies, and I even gave them a game plan for how I plan to compensate for those deficiencies. Furthermore, I gave them a bunch of managerial suggestions, and I told Pussy Demure that now that she is my direct supervisor, I am going to be needing and demanding direction from her. (oh, god, spare me the agony of that, but I was going full-throttle on my proactiveness.)

I owe the crew a status report tomorrow, although I was fairly pleased to have a status report to give at our meeting, as well. I don’t have much more, unfortunately, but I did report that one of my deficiencies is clearly the lack of time. And while I promised to work 24/7 to get the paper out, well, I have a screaming migraine and just can’t take another minute more of Veggie Patch semantics.

On that note, Yellow-Haired Bitch resurfaced during the last two days. I am going to punch her, next time I see her. I swear it. She has gone too far in making Shan’s life hell, and I made Shan march straight down to Frosty’s office to report the hostile working environment that Yellow-Haired Bitch has created for her. (I acutally got someone fired for creating a hostile working enrvironment for me — I kept a log, filed a grievance, and she was ordered to attend mandatory counseling, which she failed to do. So she got canned. I was never so fucking happy in my life, although I myself had quit the job by then, which had only compounded my joy.)

Anywho, Yellow-Haired Bitch was screaming in Shan’s face today, pointing her finger in her face and leaning over her desk, raging at her. For nothing. Of course. It was similar to the way, after our Sept. 23 press conference, that she cornered me in the ladies’ room and ripped me to shreds at the highest imaginable volume. And Shan snapped and got up and made her back the fuck off. At that point, after we had a long talk, I assured her to be proactive and get herself into Frosty’s office. Unfortunately, Yellow Haired Bitch is the Cruise Director’s little yellow haired golden retriever pet. He loves her. Adores the bitch. Argh. So this was tricky territory, so we armed Shan with some good human-resourcey catchphrases, and well, Frosty responded well to Shan.

And as their meeting ended (near 7 p.m. — I just got off the phone with Shan), Frosty mentioned that I did beautifully in our meeting today. Woo Hoo!!!

I’d once told Shan that when we go into business together, we should have a logo of us standing back-to-back, holding each other up as we keep all the plates spinning with our hands. We reflected on that today, and well, after today, as we hugged each other in Cruise Director’s office after today’s onslaught of agony, it seemed like a prophecy come true.

The good thing is, if I can get a decent night’s sleep, I’ll be ready for tomorrow. It’s good to finally be using my brain again — it kind of went dormant for awhile. While I resent the situation that was forced upon me, and the manner in which it blindsided me, well, no more complaining. I didn’t get myself into this mess, but I’m digging myself out of it. And after that, I am THROUGH with everybody else’s messes. Mark my words.

Comments closed.