Five years

Drinking in Deerfield Beach

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

My boss asked me last night whether I miss D.C. I burst straight into tears and said I miss my friends there.

I wasn’t certain why I was so emotional. Now I realize it’s my five-year anniversary here in South Florida.

Five years ago today, I pulled into town with a mom, two cats and truck full of crap. Today I’m renewing my lease for another year.

My “last gasp” of D.C. was Grand Mariner french toast at the Boulevard Woodgrill with Tom and Tiff. I’d moved to D.C. with Tiff, and Tom was our first friend there. They are married now and have the most-adorable kid ever.

I’ve missed a lot there. And it’s been a strange trip here, to say the least.

I have stopped trying to figure out whether I *should* have come here, or even whether I’ll stay.

These days, I struggle mightily between “Jesus Christ, is this all there is to life?” and fighting against everything … and just going with the flow a la, “I guess this is the life I was supposed to live.” And back again.

A dear friend said to me recently that she really thought I’d found my fairy tale down here. And it got me to thinking, where might I find my fairy tale, if not here?

I don’t want to think a fairy tale isn’t in the cards for me. I just fear that I wouldn’t know it if I saw it.

My longest-term relationships generally tend to be with cities — Pittsburgh, Arlington, Alexandria, Key Largo, Baltimore, and even places I’ve never been (Paris, Tuscany, Dublin, Seattle). I fall the deepest and long the hardest for their promise.

Florida, I’ve felt kind of detached from. Like, afraid to love it because it’ll just be somewhere else that I’ll miss if I decide to go find myself somewhere else again. Maybe that’s a part of the reason I don’t have many friends here, or that my greatest loves seem to be lighthouses.

I do know one thing. I need to stop blaming myself for not being further along/ahead in life. If this is where God wants me, damn it, this isn’t so bad. I just … wish I could bring all the cool people I used to know into my new life. Now THAT would be a dream come true.

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