Dreaming on it

I don’t sleep very well in general. I spend a lot of time at war with myself in my head, and sometime I take prisoner my ability to just breathe in and out regularly. Lately, I’ve been taking the sleeping-pill route, just to get a few moments’ peace.

It’s a big-girl world now.
Full of big-girl things.
And every day, I wish I were small.
— Kendall Payne, “Scratch”

When you’ve got a dilemma in your life, I’m sure you’ve heard people to tell you give it up to God or to sleep on it. Me? I’ve always told people to dream on it. Whether you’re awake or asleep, you’ve got to go wherever your imagination takes you.

That said, I’ve been having second, third and 80th thoughts about my new (potential) apartment.

I do this all the time, you know. I trust my intuition and sometimes make impulsive decisions. I also know that I’ve spent years PAYING for some of those decisions, whether they were right or not. Like when I was living with this guy Joe in college (for three months) and I knew I needed to run for daylight. The cost to move to a new (and better) place actually forced me to drop out of college for a semester. But as it was a mental (and probably physical) health dealio, it was worth the sacrifice. And it made me work twice as hard to get back into school. I made my first 4.0 after I went back.

I also lived in a place that broke the freaking bank, but it was THE hangout place. While everyone else was taking crappy apartments (as I had with Joe), we had a lovely three-bedroom house that I stayed in for three years.

Anyway, I am at that juncture right now. I have a nice apartment waiting for me, but one that’s going to cost me the better part of one paycheck. (*hyperventilating*)

But on the other hand, it IS a big-girl world now. And my corporate growth isn’t stunted like it was when I was in non-profit management, where you hit your ceiling (position-wise and certainly pay-wise) pretty quickly.

You know how the proverbial “they” tell you to dress for the position you want, not necessarily the one you have? Maybe that’s my going theory on apartments right now. My place is cute and functional and I’ve made it as fabulous as I could, but maybe I need to get myself into the “better” neighborhood to get myself into a better frame of mind. I drag myself home to this dump lately. (It’s my own fault — since the eviction notice came, I’ve barely picked up a cleaning product unless it is cat- or powder room-/kitchen-related.

Here’s what’s really bugging me. I got a call from another complex (all utilities included) where the woman was just overjoyed to have something for me. We’d really hit it off over the phone and I liked HER more than the place. Local friends said the complex used to be considered to be in a good neighborhood but lately it’s been more on the unsavory side.

The part that’s bugging me is that when I was still at the last job, I’d gotten a call from a company that really wanted me. And I decided no, I was going to stick with my current cross to bear and re-commit myself to it for at least another year. Only for everything to go to hell the same MONTH I passed up the other opportunity and I ended up leaving anyway (without a backup job).

I used to think I was special.
And only I have proved me wrong.
I thought I could change
The world with a song.

I hate it that my judgment had failed me in that instance. I hate it that I didn’t just RUN for the door when I got the other call. I hate myself for staying in a bad relationship wherein I thought “they could change!” Jesus Christ, I don’t give that benefit of the doubt to people I date (because everyone knows you can’t change somebody; they have to change themselves and if they think they’re perfect and yet they drive you perfectly NUTS, you know how THAT’S gonna end up).


So, yeah, with Apartment No. 1, you know I fell in love at first sight. And people have their opinions about it, mostly that it’s out of my league. It’s kind of like when you do manage to date somebody good and everybody looks at the two of you and declares the other person out of your league — like, how did she get HIM? Or vice versa.

And to that I say pfft. Profound and poetic, no? All right, no. 🙂

Is it so wrong to WANT things? Good things? Things that will make YOU feel good? Things that will make you HAPPY and that you will WANT to cherish? I’m not going to kid you that it’s going to be hard at first, but I’ve always been famous for taking on way more responsibility than a normal (and probably psychologically balanced) person could/would/should. Better still, I’ve always managed to pull miracles out of my ass.

I guess there are just some days that I wish I could have a second opinion. Like, don’t you get tired of making all the decisions with absolutely no input from anyone other than the 97 facets of your personality warring it out inside your head? I know I’m the only one who can make the best decisions for me, and I’m cool with that. I prefer it that way, truth be told. But sometimes at a crossroads, I just want to pull over and take a damn nap instead of deciding right away.

Unfortunately, time is not my friend in this scenario. And maybe I will end up letting time make the decision for me. Or maybe I just take the apartment for a year, see how it goes and how I like life at less of a breakneck speed than to which I have become accustomed. As I mentioned in my Beltway Bitch Barbie rant, time is what I want to reacquaint myself with more than anything.

And I can use that time to be kinder to myself, and to others if they should so deserve it.

My stubborn will is learning to bend.

Maybe along with dressing for the world I want to rule job I want to have, I should aim to live the life I actually want to live. All I really need right now is a safe place to land — a lily pad I can hop away from or continue sunning myself on for as long as I need. And if I want to keep it, I’ll find a way.

I always do.

I think I’ve just made my decision.

3 Responses to Dreaming on it

  1. Sabre :

    I had much the same dilemma when looking at my new car. On the one hand, the car I had was good. In fact, it was better than good; it was, compared to my cars of the past, awesome. But it wasn’t quite as awesome as I wanted/needed. The new car cost more on the front side, it’s a lease instead of a buy, and the monthly payments are higher. From the outside, the differences are paint color and the fact that it’s a roadster instead of a coupe. Inside, and under the hood, the differences are big. And it was those differences that I desired. In fact, I went in looking at another coupe, but that’s another story.

    Bottom line, the payment was so much more a month than I was paying. Could I truly justify this expense? Is it fair to my family that we spend more money on a two-seater that isn’t very practical?

    Sometimes, my darlin’ girl, you just gotta say, “What the fuck, make your move.” I took the car, you take the apartment; we are both happier in the end. And anyone who says it is out of your league? Those are people who want you to stay within the confines of the image they have created for you. I have found that the best meeting of the minds with folks like that involve my boot and their ass.

    Yes, I quoted Tom Cruise’s character. Be glad I wasn’t dancing to Bob Seger in my underwear when I said it.

  2. Goddess Dawn :

    Those are people who want you to stay within the confines of the image they have created for you.

    You know, some days I wonder if I myself am not one of those people who holds myself back. I get my hopes squashed so much externally that I get scared to go after anything I really want. Because if I lose it (like I’ve lost many things before) I won’t mind so much if it’s something that’s OK and not wonderful.

    Of course, there’s also the “I work damn hard and am stressed out all the time and I want something to show for it” aspect.

    There’s this rational part of me that wants to shop around more, and the part of me that’s screaming “Calgon Take Me Away!” that’s saying just get ON with it already and deal with it LATER. That part of me drove to work at WARP SPEED today because of a shift-coverage issue in the interim, and while thank goodness nothing urgent happened in the meantime, it’s like, wow, the stress I put on my heart for nothing.

    I don’t want that stress anymore. And my decision is to do it, even it it doesn’t feel 100 percent right.

  3. Lachlan :

    Ok, so I will play some Devil’s Advocate here:

    A couple things to consider- namely the fact that they failed to tell you about these other fees. That is pretty disingenous, and I would be calling them on the carpet about it. I would immediately be skeptical and onguard after being hit with extra stuff.

    So this other place that called: “Local friends said the complex used to be considered to be in a good neighborhood but lately it’s been more on the unsavory side.” Not to diss said friends, but you might want to verify that before you assume it to be factual. Because let’s face it- what exactly does “unsavory” mean? If it’s totally crack, crime, and prostitute-ridden, then yeah, back faaar away. But what if that’s not the case? A quick look at some local crime stats might give you an idea.

    The reason I am telling you all this is because we always seem to be on a parallel journey with certain things, namely the Wanting Better stuff. I feel EXACTLY as you do- I want, I strive, I work to accomplish. But I have also begun to realize that I can’t always have it RIGHT NOW, and it’s a process. So instead of “everything I want right now” it’s “step one, step two…”

    Ultimately, you’ll do what is best- I know that. I just felt compelled to offer another perspective. 🙂