Dark souls
I dragged my heathen ass back to church for Christmas Eve. It was … powerful.
Mom and I do brunch on Sundays now. And while it works (no more fighting over where we can both eat in heavenly peace), I miss God. Especially since I don’t much seek Him out other than when I’m having a panic attack in the car. Which, admittedly, is often.
Pastor John left my church about a year and a half ago. I was glad. I used to love him but he got on some weird kick that started creeping me out and he never came back from it. Like, over-the-top beating us over the head with his view of the world.
He went back to Texas (good riddance) and another guy took over temporarily. I liked the temporary guy, but I knew his time was limited till they hired the new pastor. And I admit I didn’t like the new pastor when he took over.
Well WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES.
I love the new pastor. LOVE.
He spoke to my heart. There was no one else in the room last night as he told me how Christ didn’t just come to save the world — He came to save ME. He knew I’d be in that room, in that life, in that skin, in that situation at that very moment. He knew I’d need Him and He’d be there for me.
Well, the pastor told ALL of us that. But, it is all about me, isn’t it?
He spoke of “dark souls” — how he’s ceased to be perfect since he took about his fifth breath of life and how he’s not going to be perfect.
And for the dark souls like him, God isn’t waiting till we catch up on our work to-do list or get a relationship right or untangle our finances to love us.
So, basically don’t wait to love yourself, either. That’s the message. You will have perfect, eternal life one day with your king. For now, do your best and love one another and just be good.
That, I can handle.
I felt like Pastor John started inserting himself between God and me. I’m sure that wasn’t the case but that’s how I felt. Last night, I felt like the new guy let me shake God’s hand and politely stepped aside to let us connect again.
I’m not sure where I go in my faith journey here. I asked for “faith friends,” as my old pastor from Maryland always wishes I’d find. I think that’s the best resolution I can make for next year.
In addition to washing off my makeup nightly and flirting more (with the right people, let’s be clear), of course …
My dark soul is suddenly bursting with light this Christmas Day …
As I read somewhere else, the baby came in a dirty manger to young and confused parents. You don’t stop miracles or plan for them to arrive in perfect time. They just come, whenever and wherever and at any time and under any circumstance.
I’m ready to receive my miracles now. I guess I always was. But now I know …