Conspiracy theories … rather, just plain bitchin’

Shan, IKEA Boy and I all have what I believe to be a certain level of common sense that actually surpasses the highest level of intelligence. When we hear about things going on in the news, like the beltway sniper debacle, we are quick to figure out what should have been done during the investigation and how it should proceed, because we have an uncanny way of seeing facts differently than the way they were presented to us.

I am embarrassed at the behavior of many of the journalists. The networks are in mad competition to rush info across the airwaves, even if it’s incorrect, just so they can claim that THEY were “First On the Scene” — which they probably weren’t. I watch press conferences led by Chief Moose in Montgomery County, Md., where they antagonize him with the same questions asked 30 different ways, and I shudder. Of course you’re supposed to ask multiple questions, to either get him to release more info than he planned or to maybe get a usable soundbite from him (he’s not the most eloquent speaker I’ve ever heard, that’s for damn sure — I mean, he tells the media to cooperate “wit” him and then the next day tells them to cooperate “wif” him. Who’s with me on requiring public figures to attend a speech class?).

Of course, it must be said that’s he’s waaaaaaaayyyyy more coherent than some of the witnesses, who you can tell are FOB (fresh off the boat). I think Cheech and Chong are down here, showing up at all of the terror-stricken areas, providing interviews as supposed eyewitnesses. Fire up another doobie, Paco. Oh, the agony. It’s like listening to Bling-Bling the Crack Expert (MPEG available at

At any rate, I know the media are frustrated. I would be, too, were I out there with them. But perhaps I have lost my journalistic edge, but I do understand that there are some facts to which the public is not — and should not — be privy. If releasing certain nuggets of information will mean that the sniper stays 10 steps ahead of us and more blood will be shed, I am completely cool with not knowing/releasing that info. That’s the problem with most journalists (and I say that as a magazine writer myself) … they treat all the info as fair game and report it accordingly, even if that serves to ensure that the three million residents in the metro D.C. area remain sitting ducks for that much longer.

It’s for competition and ratings, I understand that, but that’s why IKEA Boy and I went into print journalism as opposed to broadcast … we have the luxury of waiting for facts to be verified before we can run them. That can bite us in the ass sometimes, as far as the turnaround time, but after people snap off their boob tubes, they pick up a paper … to get the “full” story. And that is why the age-old question, “Will the print media become extinct?” can be answered in one little phrase … HELL no!

IKEA Boy noted that Sniper Boy has yet to strike on a Tuesday or a weekend. Hmm. That means that the odds of someone being targeted today are pretty high. Shit. He made another good point, that every time the sniper gets away, that means that at least one more person will have to die with the token single, fatal shot to the head.


I’m watching CNN’s Headline News, and they are reporting that the sniper (the main one, I think, but there I go with my theories) is olive-skinned, like he’s possibly of a different nationality. That’s an interesting twist … and here’s to hoping that Mohammed (psycho stalker/caller) isn’t the sniper, ’cause I’d be dead! But seriously, the theory of terrorism has been kicked around for two weeks, and while I didn’t buy into it (terrorism to me would mean activities of the 9/11/01 magnitude), it may make sense. And who’s not to say that once someone is caught, the gunshots will cease? Perhaps it is a small terrorist cell.

Whatever it is, we need to give up on the Michaels Craft Store Theory … like, OMIGOD, there was a craft store in the same complex where Monday’s shooting occurred. I think it’s smart to make a mental note of that, but really, the store was not exactly close to the Home Depot in question. And maybe we need to start looking for OTHER vehicles, and this is where Moosehead needs to be releasing a tad bit more info.

Look, I am ashamed of some of the reporters’ behavior, no question about that. But the boys in blue aren’t making quick enough progress in catching this fuckhead, so it may take the public to crack the case. Thus, we NEED those digits on the license plates that some witnesses supposedly caught. We NEED to know things that we can be looking for, because we’re all out crawling along the highways anyway. Might as well utilize citizens … because we’re all watching our asses anyway.

Not only has Sniper Fuck not hit on a Tuesday or a weekend, but consider this — he hasn’t shot a motorist. There must be 60,000 white vans on the highways on any given day. They are beside us, behind us, in front of us, and coming from the opposite direction. If this asshole has no problem shooting people from behind the wheel, what makes us think that we are safe as we sit in Northern Virginia’s famous traffic jams? All the sniper would have to do is be in the far-right or far-left lane so that he could shoot someone and jump onto the shoulder to get the fuck away, if necessary. People drive like fucking freaks down here, and to see someone driving erratically, well, would be no real cause for alarm. I think that’s the next targeted group. And if so, I will not be leaving my house, oh, EVER!!!

That’s my theory, and I’m stickin’ to it!!!

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