Are you there, ceiling cat? It’s me, pseudo-agnostic cat

I haven’t been to church in two weeks, and maybe I’ve just missed but today it was good. I talked with people I like, a book was discussed that I own (not that I’ve read it) and I cried pretty much the whole goddamned time.

And every time a wave of tears would come, I would unthinkingly utter, “Oh, Christ.” Because, you know, that’s how I roll when I’m doing a U-turn from heaven to hell.

We talked about how the greatest love is not necessarily loving thyself, but the love that is given to God and, by proxy, to others because that’s God-like. And especially lately, this is something at which I am failing miserably.

I always try to love myself because when no one else seems to, at least I do. And I do hold my own opinion in very high regard, so if I love me, well, then I’ve got to be pretty damned special, then. 😉

But I haven’t been so quick to give any love away. In fact, I’m very stingy with it and have been for a very long time. And it was only sometime yesterday that I came to the conclusion that I would probably give anything for a touch from someone I could love. It’s an abstract “someone” of course. Don’t get me wrong — a face could always be assigned, but I am careful not to get my hopes up anymore.

I didn’t realize my withholding of love was so hurtful, but I have been told as recently as today that I can reduce someone to nothing with just the look on my face. I don’t know. I guess I just can’t fake it unless I’m paid to. But what I always forget until after the fact is that I missed an opportunity to let someone know that their presence in this world matters.

And what reminded me of that is that the people from whom I could really use some affirmation or some level of understanding, well, they either don’t know that I need it or walk away from me anyway when I need it most.

And that’s what made me cry. That it’s a sad cycle — I deny someone what they need, others don’t realize/want to give what I need. Perhaps they, too, are looking to get it from somewhere else or have an idea of where they’d rather channel their energies.

I often think of Maya Angelou’s character in “How to Make an American Quilt,” where she decrees that while it was the love of a man that she sought, it was the love of a child that would make her complete. And it’s the love of a man that I seek, to the point that everything else is just a distraction from what I really want.

Yet, is my life lesson to learn where to get/give love doesn’t matter, just so long as I am continually doing it? That I need to focus less on finding someone to love me, just as long as I love everyone else?

Been there, done that and bought the T-shirt, key chain, souvenir mug and some postcards. I’m looking for a more-immediate return on my investments these days. Plus, I figure if folks — the ones whose help and/or approval I so desperately seek — can walk away from me so easily, why can’t I do it to others?

Do you really get saved if you spend your time saving others? What if you don’t want to? What if it’s all you can do to keep putting one foot in front of the other … why is it during our own weakest moments that others demand the most from us?

We had an exercise today, with a Post-It Note heart. On one side, we were to write a word or phrase to describe our relationship with God. On the other side, we had to list the person (mortal) we need to be connecting with/helping because we can. Anyone who knows me can probably fill in those two blanks.

But what if you’re doing all you can to help someone and they dig in their heels at every turn? And does anyone regard me in the same way?

And if I can give whatever it is that people need from me, will I ever be on the list to get what I’m yearning for, too?

Comments closed.