A Friday Five that Sporty Spice would love

Alternate headline: This is what we’ve waited two weeks for. Why god why?

1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?

Sheet wrestling (i.e., porn). Used to watch tennis. Also used to just go to the gym and watch all the buff people lifting stuff. Now I could give a shit less.

2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?

I am a fan of the Pittsburgh teams, mostly because it’s the only city that outfits all of its major sports teams in the same colors (I am a sucker for men who can color-coordinate) — da Pens (Penguins), da Stillers (Steelers) and even those overpaid losers da Bucs (Pirates).

3. Are there any sports you hate?

It’s more that I hate the commentators. I can have sports on in the background without being too weirded out, but I’m not going to willingly sit down and watch.

Another thing I hate ABOUT sports is when you’re dating a guy and his team loses the Super Bowl. Every fucking time I’ve been with somebody around that magical time of year, it has been a given that I will NOT get laid because he’s too depressed to do anything but lift beer after beer to his mouth and then pass out on the couch. Not even a blow job can mend their broken little hearts. 🙂

4. Have you ever been to a sports event?

Back when Three Rivers Stadium still stood, I saw the Pirates. Actually, I was there selling raffle tickets for my then-employers, so I didn’t really watch the game. I went to PNC Park, the new baseball stadium, after it was built — but that was mostly for the great restaurants and certainly not to watch the Pirates lose play.

And then when Heinz Field was built for the football team right next door to PNC Park, I went there for social events with other young professionals. I even stood on the field for a minute. The drinks were overpriced but the food was good. And the view of the city from both of the new stadiums was just freakin’ breathtaking.

5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?

This will surprise everyone who knows me, but I actually did work with our women’s volleyball team in high school (no, silly, I couldn’t play — I ducked every time the ball came near me!), but I ran the scoreboard. My (then) friends Judd and Stephanie were the team’s statisticians, and I basically had to have them tell me when to give a team a point.

I do have a great memory from that time, though. Our team was full of the most incredibly sweet and academically gifted people, but volleyball champs, well, they were not. They only won one game during the whole season, and that was thanks to me sneaking points into the scoreboard when nobody was looking.

Oh, that was a riot. Judd came over to me and said I needed to remove some points because his and Stephanie’s sheets only showed that they had made X number of points. I just kind of looked at him blankly and said, “Well, I was keeping up on my own, and I’m pretty sure I called it right.”

I don’t know if he ever knew what I was up to, but he realized — as I had — that the other team hadn’t brought any statisticians. And the reason I even did it was because it was Senior Recognition Night, and those girls had worked so hard and felt like they had nothing to show for it.

At any rate, for the rest of the night, whenever I would see fit to add a point (and don’t get me wrong — the girls were doing great — I probably only padded the score by about five or six points), Judd and Stephanie would hurry up and credit the point to someone on their sheets.

What’s funny as all hell is that the other team had a HUGE parent turnout, but not a fucking one of them raised a question.

I retired from the team after that game — there were more to be played, but I was carrying four advanced placement courses and was editor of the school paper and the (worthless) president of the school’s national honor society (not to mention that Judd’s and my friendship was starting on its path to hell in a handbasket). But I, like the ladies, had the joy of tasting a sweet dose of success. They went on to play their little hearts out with renewed confidence in themselves, and I have secretly known for 11 years that I might have had a little something to do with that. 🙂

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