Well, I normally wouldn’t consider it guilt, but some residual pangs of something keep tugging at my heart, and one would think that my heart should feel GOOD, considering that I haven’t had a cigarette in a whole week!!! Gaaaahhhh!!

Last night was supposed to be the reunion with Pinhead, Frumper and Tuna. Spoke with Mom yesterday … I think she totally forgot about it, and I decided to not remind her. Really, of the three, only Pinhead even mattered to me, and gawd, if he found out that I am now working with 420 Boy, he would just have had a gay coronary and dropped dead anyway. But now I am left to wonder if the idiots did meet, if they forgot, or if they, too, deliberately stayed home because they really didn’t want to see one, two or even all three of their supposed old friends. It’s not like any of us have a way of getting in touch with each other otherwise. I was almost wishing to find an email addy for Pinhead, but I gave up trying to search for that years ago, and today is not the day for me to try it again.

“Well I can still remember

When I was just a kid

When friends were friends forever

And what you said, was what you did.”

— Bon Jovi, “Blood on Blood” —

Awoke with that song in my head. It tells a great story about childhood friendships … it would be appropriate except for the fact that they all went in different directions but, “If I got that call in the dead of the night/I’d be right by your side.” That certainly isn’t the case, although if Pinhead needed me, at least I would have to CONSIDER it before I told him to go to hell!!! 😉

Dreamed about Pinhead, actually. Dreamed it was my last day of work at Two Strikes, and I was having Federal Grant Clinic at Lori’s, like we used to do. However, she had invited a bunch of people over to help us, and he was one of them. In the dream, he kept watching me but would almost scoff at me anytime I spoke. At first, I didn’t speak much because I didn’t want to see those eyes rolling or that sarcastic smirk, like he was waiting for me to insert a foot in my mouth. But finally, I decided that if he wants to be around me, he has to put up with everything that makes me, well, me. And if he didn’t want to be around me, he was free to leave. Yet he didn’t leave.

I won’t be doing dream interpretation on this one. Nothing to interpret, nothing to look for in real life. But I do wonder if he, out of his sentimental nature as well as his nagging curiosity, drove past the meeting place. Maybe he even stopped in and grabbed a pint of ice cream, just for giggles. Why do I think he would have done that? Because that is what I would have done, and we were more alike than either one of us cared to admit.

An appropriate quote, by Sylvia Robinson: “Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”

And in some cases, not only is it letting go that makes you strong, but also not stepping into a bad situation when you can see it coming a mile away.

So … talked with this guy today who shares not only the first name but also of the birthday of JP, famous for our ill-fated relationship of this past winter. Good lord, if those two things weren’t a sign right there to head for the hills, no questions asked, I spent two and a half hours talking (read: disagreeing) with him about relationships and about myself. I found that I pretty much had to defend all of my hobbies, likes/dislikes, dating history and relationship aspirations. I won’t even go into the round-and-round about womens’ dress sizes (!), but let’s just say that it was an okay conversation only for the fact that he riled my combative nature, although I remained exceptionally pleasant throughout the call.

The last half hour of the call was torturous, however, because he wanted to get together tonight and I wanted to have a real “date” all set up for next Saturday. He was pissed and when I suggested Saturday (or any other night than tonight), he said he might not be in the mood and he doesn’t know what he’ll be doing or where he’ll be, because that’s a long time from now. I said it sounded to me like he was waiting for a better offer. He said he wasn’t but he guessed that I might be waiting for a better offer (which, at the time I wasn’t, but now I’m not so sure!). I didn’t understand why he tried to turn the tables on me, so I said fine, if he wants to get together, please pick another day than today. He whined that the men are always the ones to put themselves on the line, and he already did put himself out there and that I immediately shot him down, so he didn’t want to risk it again. I promised that I had full intentions on accepting his next suggestion … it’s just that I wasn’t into a date today.

He was really shitty about that, asking why exactly I didn’t want to hook up. (Other than the fact that he was annoying the wits out of me on the phone and that I would probably have not survived an additional two hours of a date. …) I said, not that I had to explain, that my cold is still bothering me, and that dates are something for which I plan … I want to have the right outfit, the right state of mind, and the preceding anticipation. He said that’s a crock and that I’m obviously not spontaneous (anyone who knows me will disagree with that, and I told him as much). He said he doesn’t like to plan in advance and that he really wanted to meet me and he wanted to do it right away. I said that half the fun of a date is waiting for it, and that I am worth the wait. I said that it’s something to tuck into the back of your mind as you are working and waiting for the weekend … knowing that you will be having a nice night on the town with someone of the opposite sex is a treat, something that keeps you going during the week. He essentially said I was nuts.

Let me go back to how this began. I have a profile, personal ad and webpage on AOL. He read my profile and emailed me a simple message. In the subject line, it read, “Your hobbies suck.” In the message body, it said, “Just wanted you to know.”

I was annoyed, and at first I didn’t answer. Then a day later, I responded, with the subject line reading, “Re: Your Hobbies Suck,” I wrote in the body, “And so do I.”

He responded by sending two emails, containing his phone number, photo, and a line that he stays up late and wanted me to call. I didn’t call, but I did email this morning that he can reach me on my cell phone if he’s so motivated to catch up with me. He called by noon.

At any rate, in summary, we continued to argue about meeting and that he’s feeling shot down and that I’m feeling like I can’t even suggest anything without getting an attitude problem from him and that it’s a shame because we’re both new to Alexandria and instead of making a date to do something that will take us somewhere, anywhere in this city, we can’t get past the semantics. I told him to get back to unpacking and that I might call him toward the end of the week to see if he’s gotten a better offer or if he’s in a better mood or maybe I’ll even call and tell him to be ready in 10 minutes because I’m going to be in his neighborhood.

Then we hung up. After that call was disconnected, I decided that I would call back. Eventually. Probably. And if something better DID come along, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

He has since called three times, leaving two messages, one at home and one on the cell, to apologize and to try to set up a lunch date this week. Called Mom, who was crocked, who said to forget him and to answer the second guy (of now four) who responded to my personal ad … her psychic vibes say he’s a good one to pursue, and I never told her thing one about any of these guys except for today’s star, JS. Lab Rat told me that I can go out with JS, as long as I don’t fuck him in the apartment because I’m not allowed to bring such sleaze into our humble abode.

See, I just want to fuck him because, like his predecessor JP, he just needs something in his mouth to shut him the hell up. With JP, I always used to joke that I always had to either “feed him or fuck him,” in order to deal with him. And why put food in his mouth when I can put my crotch there instead?!?! And frankly, JP was SUCH a good lay for the mere fact that he couldn’t TALK so he had to ACT!!!! When his mouth was full … he was happy and well, so was I!

I know, TMI. 😉 But it’s the truth! I’ll let you know if I bother calling this yo-yo again.

In other news, went shopping at Safeway and World Market with Lab Rat. Had a lot of fun out at Kingstowne Center (where these fabulous places are located) yesterday, hitting all the stores and essentially window-shopping because I’m POOR!!! Shopping is much more fun with a friend. Both of us agree that we could just get lost in World Market … It’s kinda like Pier One meets a crack dealer on Smallman Street in Pittsburgh. 🙂

At least I am getting out of the house. Finally. Am slowly but certainly regaining the independence that brought me here. wOOt!!!

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