Learning.
I had the strangest urge today to just make love. It’s something I’ve done, oh, maybe once or twice, at the most. Typically, it’s anything BUT that … just hair-grabbing, nipple-biting, crotch-thrusting, back-scratching, body-heaving pleasure that means absolutely NOTHING the morning after. Sound familiar, boys and girls?
Wondered what it would feel like, to be with someone who cares and someone about whom I care, at the same time, in the same bed (or car, club, mountaintop, beach, pleasure swing, countertop, whatever!). I don’t want someone to tell me what it feels like … I want to experience it for myself. I want to kiss someone for hours and not wonder when they’re going to want something more. (let’s face it, I’m a hoe, and I’d more than gladly initiate more … I just hate it when it’s expected, especially when I’m looking to actually behave and protect myself.)
Got to thinking about Brat … F/OM said he talked with him yesterday. Felt kind of sad, seeing that of all people, F/OM has contact with him and I don’t. Wondered if F/OM mentions to Brat that we still email, the way he mentions to me that they still chat. Said Brat is happy. I’m glad to hear that … I just wish I could hear it directly from him.
Not a peep from CTL. Emailed him yesterday because Charolette said that the big MIS 90-day plan meeting was happening. Wonder what that’s all about … have both of my boys given up on me?
A part of me longs for YKW to pick up the phone to call me simply to say hello. That’s not a pipe dream, is it? We don’t have to be best friends; we don’t have to talk every day, the way we used to. It would be nice to know that he still cares (or that he ever cared, in the first place). Does he care? Can he? Will he ever let me know it?
I remember how kissing him was so easy, so free, so fun. Rarely do I meet a man who has any concept of how to kiss a woman. But he knew. It’s no classified governmental secret, believe me. There’s just a way, and he had it down pat. Additionally, there was just a feeling I would get when he would hold me … an electrical charge, if you will, like some mysterious force was holding us together. It worked between us, at least, in my opinion it did. “We” felt so natural, again, in my opinion. I haven’t had that natural feeling with anyone since (or for that matter, before) him.
I recognized it at the time, what it felt like to be with the person about whom you’d always dreamed. So many people don’t ever achieve that moment of excitement and peace all in one, of finally “getting” the person who invaded their very being from afar, previously. Most of us don’t know to appreciate those moments, but I did. I savored every last breath, as if I somehow knew that it was too good to be true, too precious to last, too fragile to preserve. I breathed him in deeply, only now I can’t expel the spirit that I absorbed.
I wonder if it was that way with SE when we finally hooked up. Did he think it was the be-all and end-all, the way it was for me with YKW? Was I that person about whom he had fantasized forever; was it all he wanted it to be? As far as I was concerned, it’s hard to live up to an image that someone has built of me … in the back of my mind, there was a lot of pressure that I wasn’t equipped to deal with. I was uneasy with the pedestal upon which I was placed … I knew I didn’t really deserve to be there. Did YKW feel that way when HE was the one who could do no wrong in my eyes? Did it scare him, to be desired in such a way? It sure as hell scared me, when it was my turn to see the world from that pedestal. Nobody had ever placed me quite so high. I liked it, don’t get me wrong, but in SE’s case, I certainly didn’t earn that standing. But maybe, when I say it that way, neither did YKW.
At any rate, those were the thoughts that consumed me today.
As an aside, heard from a voice from my past this week … says he’s on work release re: a missed child support payment. There are days that I hate myself for last June’s debacle, and then there are other days like today that I am glad that I brought an end to our own situation. But at least he was honest with me about an inability to assist, as well as a lack of interest in doing so, from the beginning. But still, the memories of the physical pain and emotional numbness I felt surfaced today, only inversely — the body is better but the heart will never be the same. I do wish him well during this time, though, but it just goes to show that all the difficult things we must do in life, we must do them alone.
Oh well. Not my problem anymore. Never was, I guess.
Men. Can’t live with ’em, can’t beat the shit out of them, and can’t find a good one when I need one. Can’t find a good one when I DON’T need one. 🙂 Sigh. Another evening of plastic pleasure awaits, I s’pose. ;P