25 April 2002

At a Crossroads. …

I’m standing in the middle of two intersections, not knowing which directions to take. Shall I go Northeast? Southwest? West by Southeast? Oy vey. Decisions, decisions.

Work and personal life dilemmas are overlapping, and I am faced with not only running toward something, but running away from something else. I’ve spent 27 years going wherever the wind has chosen to carry me (if nothing else, I am light in spirit … if only my physical being were a bit lighter as well!). And this has worked well for me, for these first three decades of my life. However, perhaps Little Miss Passive-Aggressive should retire her wings and buy a new pair of running shoes. It’s time to make some decisions … Fate isn’t making things too easy on me right now, and maybe in order to move forward, I’ve got to go sideways for a little while.

That said, I’m torn between the man I love and the man who loves me, and I am also torn between the city I love and the city I never dreamed I’d even visit, let alone come to love.

Love has been amusing … David B from CMU immediately distanced himself from me once I announced I was interviewing in Alexandria. No big loss, as we’ve only had an email/IM relationship … with no concrete plans to meet in person. Then I met David G at Nation, a club in D.C. We didn’t fuck, which is a first for me, to not drag home a random stranger for an even more random night of passion. I’ve since heard from him, but considering the circumstances (and influences) under which we met, perhaps this one is best left 250 miles away.

Jeff surfaced; emailed to say that I should call him. Also said that his parents are in Hawaii and he has the house all to himself. As Lab Rat said, “What is he … 14?” I disagreed … said he was 12 at best.

So as far as the love triangle that’s goin’ on, Jesus H. This has been happening for at least six months, but I feel like some decisions need to happen, and soon, because this game I am tangled up in is fun but draining. The scenario: three good friends who are busy trying to vie for the attention of one of the friends (don’t worry … it’s not like the movie “Threesome,” where one is gay!). But it is bizarre, nonetheless.

A line from a poem I wrote:

“He wants me, but I need you.

Between two worlds, what is there to do?”

As far as I am concerned, You-Know-Who (YKW) made his decision in the wee hours of October 13, 2001, when he left my bed and my home. But he never left my heart, nor my life. I see him so frequently, and while he might have said that things couldn’t work between us due to a very glaring reason, I don’t think he believes that it can’t work EVER. Since then, I’ve hooked up with and/or dated others, and maybe he has done the same. But it was always his lips that I was kissing, at least, if only in my mind. I’ve been waiting for the timing to be right, for the situation to be perfect, to see if what I think has always been there, still is.

He claims he wants me to leave town. He swears that he would never be the one to change my mind to stay. My hope is that he is being facetious … that he just doesn’t know how to make me stay, that he doesn’t know how easy it would be, if only he tried.

Then there’s Somebody Else (SE). SE has been not-so-subtly asking me out for the past six months, knowing in his heart that my feelings for YKW run deep. I never disclosed nor confirmed his accusation, but let’s face it, he ain’t dumb. But he also ain’t deterred easily, either.

Yesterday, SE made it clear once again that he feels we should be together. He asked if he could take me out on a date sometime. I am both charmed by his determination as well as worn down by it, and in a moment of weakness, I said yes. Immediately, he tried to make plans for this weekend.

I was horrified. Look, I know I can go on a simple date with him, but this is gonna take some time on my part. I’m not over YKW … I don’t know when, if ever, I will be. And for the fact that both of them are friends, holy shit! I don’t know if those two talk about personal stuff (god only knows with those two guys, what they find to talk about. I am certain that I am a topic, due to our mutual friendship. But would either one be dumb enough to mention what REALLY goes on with me when the other one isn’t around?!?!).

Was out and about most of today … working and SMOKING far, far away from Da Ghetto. Ran into YKW briefly, while I was flurrying about the town. That’s all I needed. Never saw eyes quite so beautiful and green. He seemed a bit down today, but I didn’t say much to him. Had a piece of news I knew he needed, and he was thankful. Then I was on my merry way.

That’s something I’ve learned with men in general … state your business, and LEAVE! Let them bask in your trail of perfume, let them wonder where it is you have to go that is more fascinating than being at their side. Never let them see you cry.

He never saw me cry. Even on Oct. 13, yeah, I might have begged him to stay, to change his mind, to give it some time to evaluate the consequences of his impending actions – but I never cried. Might have untied his shoes as he tried to knot the laces, might have tried to hide his sweater (the one I love, the one I wore at his home), might have tried to hold him so tightly against me in the doorway of my apartment that he couldn’t escape … but no tears. At least, not until I closed the door behind him. Then, they didn’t stop for days.


Holy tantrum, Batman! I’m such a loser.

So, for those who requested the update. …

The Interview.

Crossroads #2.

I can liken this to a very familiar feeling … lying in bed, alone, as the guy with whom you were previously fucking your brains out, suddenly throws on his pants and runs for the front door. (I figure it’s because I’m so skilled that they’re afraid they will get addicted to me if they stay!) At any rate, there’s that wondering if he had fun, if things went well, if you’ll see him again, if you really even care if you see him again, what he’ll tell his friends, what he’ll tell your mutual friends, etc. etc.

In short, your mind is so fucking clouded as you curl your naked body in your suddenly huge and empty bed, that you aren’t sure whether to feel elated at the prospect that he may call you later or embarrassed because of the prospect that he won’t.

Or, third option, you realize that it was fun and you’re glad he’s gone so you can get some fucking sleep.

So, to describe the interview, I might choose what’s behind Door Number Three.

It was wonderful of Shawn to get me in for the interview. It was nice of his colleagues to take the time to see me. What wasn’t so nice was the feeling that I had to stand on my head to sell myself. Granted, that’s the whole point of interviewing, but let’s be honest here, for the first three months of my potential employment there, I would be taking a demotion and a pay cut. Of course, those would change in a few months, but I really felt like I had to work exceptionally hard to earn the respect of his colleagues, particularly the one in HR. I left her office drained and stressed and feeling like I was an old woman trying to sip from the fountain of youth.

Shawn is fighting for me, reminding them that people can make career changes, that journalistic opportunities don’t exist in Pittsburgh. And that’s sweet of him, but I don’t want to go into a job where they have such low expectations of me. I feel I need to leave ASCI, but I’m not real sure that this is what I want. Three hours of behavioral interviewing and what not, and I still feel like I didn’t impress them. Granted, uphill battles never deterred me, but this isn’t just taking a job across town … this is uprooting my whole life here and leaving all the friends and loved ones I’ve come to cherish.

Maybe I’m just being petty and stupid (that isn’t hard to imagine, is it?!?!). But I was kind of surprised that they wanted me to send samples of my college writing to them, to see if I can cut it as a reporter. That was funny to me … meanwhile, I am working on seven proposals right now, and I write press releases at least two or three times a month. I know the media, trust me, and I made it clear that I’ve been on the “other side” for quite awhile and that I would like to go back to where my degree lies.

Accounting Dawn says that she’s facing a similar interviewing dilemma, that she thinks all these young kids interviewing her think she’s too old to start a new career, that despite her new accounting degree, her recent work experience in payroll has her pigeonholed into making a career out of that.

I did some intense thinking on the drive home from Virginia … I tried to assess what it is I really want to be when I grow up. The thing is, I like Development (I have always been Development Dawn!), and I might excel in it at an agency other than ASCI. But like I told Shawn’s HR director, it’s something I struggle with. I am damn good at it, but I also work way too hard to produce the quality work that I output. I see that I do not have a natural knack for fund raising. And that’s okay. I’m not mad at my lack of talent in that field … it wasn’t my chosen field.

What I AM damn good at is publicity, particularly the creative side. I have ideas; I am a visionary. I spend way too much energy trying to live up to the Doc’s vision of what I should be and what I should be doing. But she hasn’t given me the resources to push me to that next level. And she isn’t going to … she’s just gonna push me till I break. And that day is coming sooner than we all expect.

Lab Rat sent me a link for jobs in D.C.; I passed it along to Accounting Dawn today. I am going to give this one more shot before I give up on the idea of leaving town.

Therein lies another struggle in my life. My family is small, and not well, physically. My move may just kill them. But I told Mom that if I don’t make the move now, I never will. I know me. She said there will always be time to make the move. But Christ, things happen, and she’s living proof. She had me at 16 and a lifetime of caregiving for her grandmother, mother and now father. If she had gotten out when I myself was 16 and nothing was going on in the family, she would be on her own feet right now, too. I can see my life now, as I will caregive for her as well, sooner probably rather than later. And that’s okay … I just want to get my kicks in, while I still can. I don’t want to look back, as she does, and wish life had turned out differently. I don’t do regrets … those alone would kill me.

Pros to Leaving:

1. No more Doc.

2. No more Incoherent Twit.

3. No more fuck-ups (thanks Charolette for describing our colleagues so eloquently!)

4. Desperately needed change of scenery

5. Perfect excuse to miss 10-year high school reunion!

6. Perfect excuse to miss private 10-year reunion with Judd, Shawn and Tina. (Woo HOO!!!!!)

7. Can start Creative Services business with Lab Rat.

8. Maybe YKW will wake the fuck up and see that he’s losing me and make an attempt to get me back.

9. Might meet a good man!

10. No more running into idiot exes on the street.

11. Can make a career shift; there is nowhere to go but down in Pgh right now, given my current position. At least in D.C., I can justify a temporary demotion.

12. Will get to know Cortana and Monkey Boy, if MB chooses to relocate as well.

Cons to Leaving:

1. Will miss Mom and Grampy desperately.

2. Family health will be continual source of worry, as it is here, but at least I only have to drive 14 miles to see family in crisis times.

3. Will desperately miss YKW. Desperately. (did I mention desperately?)

4. Only put in one year as an executive as ASCI; looks bad on resume.

5. Cost of living is fucking ASTRONOMICAL in Virginia!

6. The AGGRAVATION of moving! Although I planned to move anyway, I dread nearly five hours in a car with Maddie screaming her little head off. Oy!

7. While I gain a great roommate, I lose the living-alone life, to which I have gotten extremely accustomed.

8. It’s all highway driving in D.C. – yuck!

9. Job hunting!

10. How often would I see YKW, even though his face is burned into my memory?

Well, it’s pretty even. Fuck. This is why I never make decisions!!!

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