I have to begin with a friendly reminder to myself that this is a public blog. References must be blurred to protect the guilty.
That said, I learned something that disturbed me. I mean, I always knew the day would come, and I’ve had a sneaking suspicion for the past week or two that something was up. Not real sure why the feeling was haunting me … I just kinda have been realizing that what was meant to be, suddenly may not.
A rumor I heard confirmed it — he did not. And that’s fine, if it’s true. At my moment of enlightenment, I just had to run from the immediate situation. Not cry, just be alone. Because quite honestly, nobody can help me through this one.
Today I was reminded of when I was dating Jeff … when I would run into the person I really wanted, I would stare him down, searching his eyes for sadness, for desperation, for forgiveness. And I could be mistaken, but suddenly the tables seemed turned. He searched my eyes in seemingly the same manner. And I could barely look at him. Perhaps I was hallucinating … he always did have a special way of looking at me. And it was only a couple of seconds. Please, please let this not be happening.
Moving away might put physical distance between us, but he’s too deeply embedded in my heart to forget about him any time soon. I wondered if a recent change in my life would bring him around again (it might have brought him an inch closer, but that’s about all). So now that I’m really gearing up for this 250-mile relocation effort, I wondered again if that would be what spurred him into not letting me go. I don’t think, at this point, that anything he could say or do could make me stay, but it would sure as hell make an impact.
But should the rumor prove to be true, then he’ll never come around. Unless … she’s just my replacement, the one who will never be able to live up to me.
Am I a dreamer?
I was telling Lab Rat that a part of me views this move as a natural progression of my life, while another part of me sees it as a perfect opportunity to start over. She pointed out that sometimes, we have to make a new start in order to progress.
Will my new start be without him? Will I be easy for him to forget? Or do I just keep on living my life, until I run into him again? I know he loves me, or something close to it. And I keep holding that close to me at night, like a beloved security blanket. But when can I let go of the illusion and curl up again with him instead? And how do I deal with it if I’m replaceable? Can’t he at least wait until I go?!?!