Wallowing in self-pity
Although I did have fun with pulled quotes today. Girl’s gotta get her kicks somehow. 🙂 Not sure how those’ll translate for you newsreader-type visitors, tho.
I moved into this apartment two years ago yesterday. *memories* And of course, I’m still reeling over my pending eviction. Heh — I guess there’s no reason to even bother paying rent this month, as I might never get a chance to get a cashier’s check. (As they refused to cash my personal check — anything to get a late fee out of me. Fuckers.)
Seriously, who moves around Christmas? Rent specials are happening NOW. Not like I have two dimes to rub together, mind you. I don’t care how respectable a salary you are pulling in — in D.C., it evaporates. I mean, your first paycheck goes to rent alone. Alone! Second pay goes to bills, and maybe a little bit of funny money can be squeezed out for shopping and grocery-buying. It’s impossible to live alone and have good credit here — I quit paying my student loan three years ago when I arrived here, and I’ve pretty much given up on everything else. All hail the charge-off.
And even if I find a halfway decent place (aside: I LOVE my apartment now. Right size, right price, no pet fees, utilities included. Balcony where I am permitted to grill — most places won’t let you grill out on your own balcony!), how the hell am I going to get my crap there? Seriously, it’s 2005 — I should be able to teleport my happy ass as well as my furniture-related shit wherever I want it.
I’ll tell you what’s frosting my flakes most. It’s the fact that I fought SO HARD to keep this place when I wasn’t working. Every month was a toss-up as to whether I’d be locked out of this place (and would never get access to my stuff again). If Shan hadn’t paid my rent in January, I wouldn’t have been able to take my Dream Job when it popped up. Look, I’ve felt a lot of pain and cried many tears in this place, but it’s my bachelorette pad and, damn it, I just bought more shit to put in it!
That, and I really wanted to get out to Oregon for Christmas. And I wanted to do something really special for Mom’s birthday on Labor Day. I am just so fucking tired of life always being a big, fat ball of suck — I’m tired of my happiness being totally contingent on whether the universe is willing to afford me any.
*sigh*
I know to look at this as an opportunity. I know to be grateful that my neighbor wanted me to know it before the management springs it on us. I know that I’ve been a good tenant and they’re the ones losing out on me — they’re the ones burning bridges while they’re standing on them, not wanting to keep good residents around for when these places are renovated. Then again, we’re not exactly the affluent bunch — this community has been underpriced for the area, and with its immediate access to D.C. proper, they can easily double their revenues because people will pay it around here.
But what happens to those of us who can’t? Tough shit, of course. So now I am looking at leaving my beloved Virginia (ugh) and moving to Mary-Land (double-ugh). If that. I mean, I want to stay in the area. But you know me and my ever-pending existential crises — is this meant to poke me in the ass and go live in the Carolinas or Manhattan or even Oregon? Or should I go back to Pittsburgh?
Seriously, I am tired of trying to figure out life’s riddles right about now — I know I was given the lot in life that I have because I am the only one who can make it work. I have been positioned “just so” that I can either make miracles or sink to the bottom of the sea, and I know that I am perfectly capable of taking advantage of all the opportunities as well as suckage to make my life — and me — better.
Lach, I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to share what I’d said that you’d thought was so appropriate: “I guess I know we both have so many unresolved feelings and are trying so hard to not have regrets, but finding the time/ energy/ sanity/ money/ wherewithal to create even the most ordinary of miracles seems so elusive some days.”
I know the universe will help me when the time is right. It always does. I always find that “right” combination of time and place and companionship. And I’ll survive this. I’ve survived worse.
And when I live through this, I’ll be that much closer to earning the better things that are out there for me. Maybe, after all is said and done, they’ll just be in closer proximity so that I don’t have to work so hard to find them.
On iTunes: Portishead, “Scorn”
August 11th, 2005 at 7:15 AM
First: I’m sure you’re going to figure it out. You’re good at finding the right way to go on – even if it takes a while to present itself. I say try to find someone at the office you don’t hate, who loves cats, and whom you could be a roomie (not necessarilyl friends) and see if they’re up for finding new digs, too.
Second: It’s early, I’m tired, I’m still adjusting to contacts, and I read it as “Leaving my beloved vagina” and not so much Virginaia. Sort of did a double take.
August 11th, 2005 at 6:04 PM
Move to Missouri with me.
August 11th, 2005 at 8:19 PM
Ooh. Lovely pullquotes.
That Lachlan is a damn smart woman. I know I’m damn sick and tired of being sick to my stomach over money issues. All we do is try to be true to ourselves and not be slaves to what society thinks is best for us, and we can’t catch a freaking break. Well, you more so than me. I’m just a monkey. You, at least, are doing work that you like.
But you know what I mean. Ah, hell, just read anything Lach says again.
We should all migrate to the Pacific NW. At least that way we can drown our sorrows in beer together.
August 11th, 2005 at 10:53 PM
Erica, you flatter me- but that was actually something Dawn wrote to me, and *I* heartily agreed. She’s da smart one!
But yes, you all need to migrate to the NW and be done with it. 🙂
I feel the pain, Dawn, I feel it. Every day. I just had a mild relief placed on my shoulders with regards to money, but I hope it lasts. Because carrying around debt and the guilt it causes SUCKS.
*hugs*
Lachlan
August 12th, 2005 at 7:17 AM
That Pacific NW idea is the best damn thing I’ve heard in a long time. God, imagine if all us fabulous gals were in the same area together — we could power a large city with our brilliance!
Thanks guys — all of you — for being here for me. It’s too easy to feel alone in this world, and it’s a feeling I am sick of having, just as much as I am sick of feeling like a dogcatcher with a net running after money and never really getting it.
August 12th, 2005 at 8:34 PM
Ok kiddo, once the pity party is over, you’ve got to get into gear and take charge of this. Instead of whining about how the universe is screwing you over, you need to figure out exactly what your options are, what your wants and needs are (be realistic), and the pros and cons for each. Then do it.
I know there’s a lot more story than what you wrote, but stuff like:
“your first paycheck goes to rent alone. Alone! Second pay goes to bills, and maybe a little bit of funny money can be squeezed out for shopping and grocery-buying”
Yet you write:
“it’s my bachelorette pad and, damn it, I just bought more shit to put in it!
That, and I really wanted to get out to Oregon for Christmas. And I wanted to do something really special for Mom’s birthday on Labor Day”
You bitch about not having any money, you admit you don’t pay on your student loans, and then talk about a trip across country and more shopping for your apartment. And how often do you talk about new clothes?
To be blunt, you’re too poor to be wasting money on luxuries. And right now, anything but rent, utilities and groceries are luxuries.
Everyone wants nice new things, and everyone deserves vacations, but if your answer to everything is pulling out the plastic, then you’re never going to get even, let alone ahead.
Get some financial counseling. You really need some help, and if nothing else they’ll help you get motivated to take the financial stuff seriously. And from what I read, you still don’t, or at least not enough.
Ted
August 14th, 2005 at 6:41 AM
I’ll join you in your wallowing tonight. Seems the black cloud is never too far away eh?
This is my first comment Dawn. I’ll be back!
Good luck. I hope you find something perfect to live in…be it in DC or somewhere else.
~Connie in Alabama