Demented and sad, but social

It’s no secret that I would rather be alone than wish I were. And, that means I spend a LOT of time alone. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who knows herself as well as I do, and as a Gemini, I at least have two personalities to keep each other company, so it’s all good. 😉

I had a rough week — and it was totally self-imposed. I decided to give up BIG FANTASTIC FREELANCE PROJECT(TM), which sucks because I have a BIG FUCKING RETAINER TO REFUND(TM) and I already spent it on car repairs. Yay.

My goal with Big Project was to earn enough money to buy a PowerBook (or, at least, an iBook with a ton of good software). But I can’t find the time to work on said project without having a fucking laptop, so bully for me.

Anyway, while I am upset, I also feel free. This has been hanging on me for awhile, and even though I LOVED the people for whom I was working and I loved the assignment just as much, I cannot fucking do it. I get up early, I spend no fewer than two to three hours in traffic each day and I have a full day at a job I love. And when I come home, I do not want to go near the computer. And on the weekends, I have shit like laundry and litterbox and errand-running and trying to make a dent in my piles of e-mails. I half-joke (but only half) that I keep a blog so that I don’t have to write to people and tell them how I’m doing.

In any event, I am a disaster at time management, so I’ve thrown all the balls up in the air and race to keep them afloat. Or, like Shan says (and she’s just like me), “We consider it a good day when we don’t have balls — of any kind — hitting us in the face.”

LOL. Atta girl, Shan!

Oh, and don’t even remind me of how long it’s been since we talked. *heavy sigh* I wish she were awake when I’m sitting in traffic — that would be the perfect time to catch up, and I’ve taken to spending my time on the Beltway talking to my mom.

But, I digress.

What I wanted to talk about was that I spent some mad cash last night and today by going on the shopping spree from hell. Discount shopping. God damn, my ass hurts, my calves hurt, my feet hurt and my debit card hurts, but I have never been happier.

Most of you who know me in person are to be pitied know I talk to myself. What you may not know is that I speak to inanimate objects like clothes.

Anyway, I was having a perfectly lovely discussion with a gray vest about how cute he was but how I couldn’t think of anything with which to wear him when two girls stopped and picked up the vest I had discarded. (Women do this, you know — we watch what others are buying and MUST HAVE IT BECAUSE THEY MIGHT HAVE A GOOD FASHION SENSE AND WE NEED TO BE TRENDY. Actually, I don’t do it so much, but I am always uber-trendy when I go shopping because I can’t wear my cute shit to work.)

So the second I put the vest down, the one girl picked it up. She seconded that it was way cute. She also seconded that she had no idea what it would match. She also announced the price and said it was way too much to grab when there was nothing that goes with it.

I was also talking to a lovely black shirt her friend off and on during our shopping journey, as we kept running into each other within the store. We both joked that we’d been shopping all day and that we’d both bought a bunch of black shirts and jeanskirts to go with the seven million we already have at home. I liked her — she’s as maniacal as I am about sticking to one’s favorite items and just buying variations on a theme.

At another store, I helped a woman to put together an outfit for work. I don’t know if I have a flashing sign that says “Fashion Goddess” (when did that word “Fashion” pop up in front of the original sign? LOL) or what, but I never go to a store without getting into deep discussions about the importance of coordinating, not matching (yes, there is a difference). Even in shoe stores, I always have an opinion.

Here’s the deal: I am a girly girl. I like expensive pretty-smelling perfumes and feminine jewelry. I know that pantyhose can turn pasty skin into glamorous gams. I like to have my toenails painted and I like to wear strappy sandals to show ’em off. I love sparkly makeup and hair accessories. I have an amazing eye for color and can put together a wardrobe for you that will knock your socks off. I throw back my shoulders and carry myself like I have confidence (which I usually do, although there are always those off days wherein I need to be more conscious of my body language — it’s like telling a white lie, but with body parts). And people can spot that from a mile away … and they want to bask in your essence so that it rubs off on them.

The thing is, I am alone a lot, but I’m not lonely. I choose to be a hermit, sure, but I crave social interaction as much as the next girl. And when I shop, I get the best of both worlds. While I’m happier than a pig in poop to be quietly talking to discounted designer duds and asking them if they want to go home with me, I love it that people magically gravitate toward me and seek my approval and advice. I love having in-depth discussions about “the new black” (which I knew a year before anyone else did that it was going to be pink, and I’m holding on for green and then purple to have their turns).

What I love best? Leaving the conversation and then the store and not being the slightest bit obligated to keep in touch.

E-mail and unlimited long distance have been glorious advents of the age of technology. Nobody writes letters anymore. Here in Alexandria, card stores are closing at a rate of one a month — who fucking sends a Hallmark card when we can totally forget about someone’s special day and make up for it with an eCard? And USPS wants to raise postage rates again — another two cents. Here, you fuckers, get a clue — let us use all the stamps we already have cluttering up our junk drawers and THEN AND ONLY THEN will we buy your new stamps.


What I was trying to say is this: We can and do keep in touch with people who would normally have dropped out of our lives after awhile because of distance separating us, we manage to stay in touch, even if it’s only sporadically. This is a wonderful thing.

But, on the other hand, we are in a lonely fucking society. Seriously. My best friend lives in Oregon. My family, in Pennsylvania. My other friends — pretty much fucking everywhere. I have friends I have never MET. I’ve spilled my guts to John in Atlanta when I do not even know what the man looks like — he knows more about me than people who see me every day of my life.

So, what sucks is that when I’m tired and could not give a shit about sitting in front of my beloved Mac, I am missing out on Pratt in Philly, Bill in California, Kukini in Chicago, Erica in Minnesota, and a whole bunch of others who have been my cheering section (and I have of course been in theirs).

But, what I want? Someone to join me on a coffee run. Someone to join me for a bloody mary. Someone to just give me the human touch that I find myself craving right now. I don’t feel like firing up one of my many instant messenger programs or screennames — typed pleasantries aren’t going to cut it for me right now. The problem with having human interactions — even in sporadic doses like today — means that I crave more. It’s like I’m all dressed up and have not a goddamned place to go.

Ah, all dressed up. How many clothes are too many? 40 denim skirts (of varying dye lots, mind you), 36 black T-shirts (maybe more — I have some untapped storage tubs) — I own more cotton than a fucking field, I tell you.

I get mad at myself that I have neither a pot to piss in nor a window out of which to throw it. I own nothing great — I don’t have the new technology and it frosts my flakes that, when I do have a couple of bucks, I waste it on little luxuries like something new to wear. But when you think about it, maybe it’s not so stupid. I will never own a Coach purse nor a Jones New York suit unless somebody buys it for me. Well, I’d never own those at full price — I have plenty of Jones and Donna Karan but, believe me, I won’t buy it unless it’s 60 percent off AND I have an additional discount coupon. I may read the fashion magazines and serve as a volunteer personal shopper to wayward women, but I am hardly an elitist — I will get the knockoff or I will get the real thing but just later in the season than everyone else. And I will tell it how pretty it is and how fabulous it makes me look. 😉

And when the clothes start talking back, I swear, I will get some help. 😉

On iTunes: Jane Siberry, “The Sea”

5 Responses to Demented and sad, but social

  1. Erica :

    Awww. I’m honored. 😉

    For what it’s worth, you always sound like you totally have your shit together. So the best I have to offer right now is, “This, too, shall pass,” and “wherever god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window,” or whatever the reverend mother says in The Sound of Music (which is my favoritest movie ever).

    Retail therapy: good first step on purchasing sale/clearance items only. Now give some stuff away to Goodwill.

    The problem with having human interactions — even in sporadic doses like today — means that I crave more. — OMG. So true. I was better off before I got a girlfriend (however short-lived that was), because I didn’t remember what I was missing. And I’m horrible about keeping up with my other friends. I talk to my internet peeps way more than I see most of my real-life local friends. That’s not the healthiest way to live life.

    I don’t have a point so much. But I’m here to be all supportive and shit. You know I luh ya.

  2. BillSaysThis :

    JetBlue has cheap flights to the Bay Area, if you can convince Shan to meet you here that could be a semi-cheap vacation. The Sweet One and I would be happy to have coffee or even dinner together. LOL

    Still, I know what you mean. All the time I was not working I had my coffee buddy Evan, who lives down the block, and we would walk around to the coffee shop and jabber about technology or politics or whatever. Not clothing though, I am a terrible dresser and he’s worse. Now that I’m working–he doesn’t–I miss that time together, he comes by for lunch once or twice a week but it’s not the same thing.

  3. Pratt :

    now you know Philly is not so far so sometime soon we’ll have to meet up again.

    Your writing is always an inspiration for me you know.Stop rolling your eyes. i see that. and stop giving the screen the finger. what? mooning me now? what’s next? oh well I’m off to heckle movies.ha ha.

    and yeah I miss you too.

  4. Dawn :

    I love you guys. 🙂

    I think the problem for me is that I don’t want to get close to anybody because I lose everybody. And if I don’t have time to keep up a relationship, why start it in the first place?

    God, that sounds whiny. I just want to be a good friend, and I can’t justify starting something I can’t finish. At the expense of my own social life, too.

    Bill, I can help to dress you and Evan. Maybe I will look into that flight after all — you guys need me! LOL

    Pratt, it’s a date! And you totally called me on the eye rolling, etcetera. But did you at least see me flash the screen, too?

  5. BillSaysThis :

    Me maybe. Evan is beyond helping in this department because he simply doesn’t care. One of the smartest guys on the planet in many ways but not in the least interested in fashion. I’m more open but cost and comfort are far more important than style. However, if you come here we can definitely go shopping, I like to buy clothes at Target and Costco.