Again
I was driving a lot this week, and it occurred to me how the word “again” can make or break you. Yes, I’m always in my head when I drive, much to the chagrin of everyone else on the Beltway!
The word conveys hope (e.g., “I want to be happy again.”) or angst (e.g., “I don’t want to hurt like this again.”). Either way, it hints at a future … at a time that indicates that you will eventually get through the here and now. “Again” is great, of course, when you are anticipating a time that is as fabulous as a time that has passed — whether you will see someone you’ve been missing or feeling giddy with excitement like you did as a child opening a birthday gift. And, of course, “again” sucks when you’re feeling as awful as you did at a previous point in your life or when/if your luck runs out.
In any event, I’m hoping my “again” is coming. I remember when times were good, and I would love it if they could get even better, but I would settle for “good” again. For the time being, anyway. It’s scary right now — I feel like I’m hanging upside down and swinging on the flying trapeze, waiting for someone to grab my hands and pull me back over to the other side. I’m reaching out my arms, wanting to grab for the right thing. And when it comes, I’m going to hold onto it for dear life. I’ve felt like my soul evaporated yet my body refused to die. That’s a shitty way to exist.
I’ve changed so much in just a few short months, and I’ve learned to appreciate what I have because it can evaporate when you turn your back for a second. I’ve also learned to make the most of any situation. I’ve also learned that crying your eyes out doesn’t solve a damn thing, but it does exhaust you enough that you don’t want to do it anymore, thus freeing up your energy for other more timeworthy pursuits.
An earlier phone conversation:
Mom: You sound more like your old self again. I’ve missed her.
Me: Nobody has missed her more than I have.
I want to start a foundation. I have a name and a mission for it already. And that’s a goal to work toward, which I will do just as soon as that trapeze bar swings back this way.
On iTunes: Oasis, “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”