Whine and cheese

I’m feeling rather, how shall we say, defeated right now. And it’s not because Maddie threw up in my be and it’s 12:40 a.m. and I’d really like to get some sleep before my 7:30 a.m. project kicks off and I can’t shut off my brain even though my body wants nothing more than to collapse.

I guess I’m sort of mad at myself that I inadvertently picked up three new projects. None of which is any big deal, in and of itself, but two are on Friday nights and one is on Thursday nights. Yes, nights, as in “the thing I work four days a week anyway.” I’m mad at myself for walking eyes-open into it, too and even enthusiastically … until I realized my one cherished night a week off is no longer.

And 20 minutes after I cheerfully agreed to this, I got a good offer for Friday night that’s probably never going to happen unless he’s patient enough to wait till whatever time.

I’ve sort of been staring at the walls for the last three hours trying to figure out how to hang myself adjust my schedule somewhat so I don’t feel like I’ve reached over and grabbed my ankles. That’s why my back hurts, I think — too much time in that position. 😉

I’m happy and productive and when the weekends come, I REALLY feel like I earned them. But losing my Thursday night date night (even if it only ends up being with myself) really got me today. I am now the proud owner of five daily projects, one twice-weekly project and five weekly projects — none of which are “easy” ones. And that’s not counting all the “extra” stuff in between.

I almost started missing my last life when I had one project that took me all month to accomplish before the cycle began anew. I was bored with that cycle. I stagnated hard-core. I have no time/opportunity to stall out anymore, and for that I’m grateful. But tired.

I don’t talk about work much in this space because I love it. Every minute of it. You can’t get a better team and more chances to grow than I have right now. It’s just that we keep adding more minutes to my days, and I’m feeling rather beaten down by it. I have plans for the next few Fridays, and I’ve got to start canceling them.

And we wonder why I started smoking again. 🙂

I stopped to fuel up the car around 10:30 last night, and I did so with the express purpose of buying a pack of Marlboro Lights. And the guy behind the counter said, “I’m supposed to ask for ID.” And I laughed and started to pull it out and said, “You can’t be serious, right?” And he said, “Yeah, you don’t look anywhere near 21.”

And while I laughed and agreed, well, it hurt. And he knew it. He apologized and I said, “I can’t blame you for not wanting to card me.” My makeup had worn off, my dress clothes were horribly wrinkled and I was looking forward to a dinner of string cheese and chocolate-chip cookies.

I don’t know. There’s a way out of all this, I hope. I’m trying to tell myself it’s only temporary — that once I get all this stuff on track and happening in a way that gives it all the highest-quality blueprint to follow, I can push some of it off on my lone employee. That I’ll either give her the morning shift or at least break up the night shifts when I feel everything’s in good working order.

But let’s face it, this is me we’re talking about. When would I ever ask someone to invest as much time as I do? How can the world keep turning without all the magic that I was put on this earth to bring to it?!!?!

Someone had once said to me, “You can and you WILL.” Meaning, divvy it up and don’t look back. Because there’s plenty more to do where that came from, and holding on to it all is impossible.

I’m sort of caught between having a nice (enough) life and paying for it, and actually enjoying it. That this is the time to bust my butt because when/if I ever meet my McDreamy, I plan to be focused on that instead or at least I’ll have to juggle it in somehow. I guess I just wonder how my haggy self is going to attract and keep him in the first place, because that’s the one thing in life I just haven’t managed to figure out just yet.

I mean, it’s not like I’m curing cancer or anything. I’m just trying to be the best I can be and giving my heart to it because it’s the one thing in life I do right — work my ass off. But I find myself envying the people who manage to have it all. I want to know how they do it. I want to be one of those people who works as a way to pass the time between fun, cool social stuff instead of as someone who works just as hard to find the energy to have fun.

I feel guilty when my work isn’t done. I can’t stand having things not be perfect when I put my seal of approval on them, so I don’t quit till they reach that point. But to say I’m done for the day because I have something better to do, well, is my dream. And to be ABLE to say it, would be even better, instead of pushing off everything under the auspices of “I’ll do it someday” would be nice, too.

And to have all the offers for good times not happen on the same day wouldn’t hurt either. 🙂 I mean, three good offers for Sunday and none for Saturday? Is that a sign I should clean on Saturday? Sheesh. 🙂

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