What would you want, if you could have anything?
I had a very “Sovereign” week last week. A few of you will understand that this translates to “stabby.”
In any event, I always thought that if you worked around the clock and produced a lot, you would be immune from criticism. Yet, at every job I have ever held, this has never actually been true.
The only glimmer of hope in the week, as I was hearing about it for 45 solid minutes that I haven’t produced any viable candidates for my open position, was when my boss said, “You need to hire someone so you can do what you want to do.”
I perked up.
What I want to do?
Really?
That’s possible?
I mean it, I have been in a funk where I’ve been terrified of hiring my replacement (that’s how I view it, even though I am assured that’s not the case) yet it’s not a role I really want anymore anyway.
I outgrew this role 10 years ago. But in this field, it’s what I “do” and I can’t ever seem to break out of it.
You mean I don’t have to do “this” anymore once I hand it off to someone? *squee*
God, I don’t even know what I want to do. This field has made me hate writing, hate editing, hate managing people and basically just hate being alive, for the most part.
A close colleague was saying how she has plans at 7 p.m. Tuesday in a town that’s a good hour’s drive from the office. And I was so bitterly jealous. Because I probably won’t wrap up my work till 8 p.m. and I’ll still have things left undone.
I went to meditation class yesterday and just cried the whole time. I asked my higher self for peace. And it said, “Is that all?” And gave it to me.
As I released the rage of a thousand little disappointments, my higher self said, “It’s not a matter of getting your life back but, rather, getting your nights back.”
See, here’s the thing. I am at the point where I’ve been in my last nine jobs, where I’m fighting to hold on to something frankly I no longer want.
But whereas I would generally be reading the want ads, right now there’s that possibility that I could find whatever it is I want, right here, instead of taking the same unfulfilling role in another unfulfilling company.
Hmm.
I don’t know whether to be terrified or relieved. But I am motivated.
I don’t know exactly what I want, but I’m open to the possibilities. Wouldn’t it be nice to try everything and see what makes me happy AND makes money for the company? AMAZING.