The wet dildo of reality
I find that I develop a little crush about every three months. And at about two or three days in, it’s done.
The formula is the same every single time. I am awesome. I meet someone. They take a very obvious shine to me. I entertain this shine and realize, hey, I attract really cool people. Maybe if this person is both cute and intelligent, I should get to know them.
Then somewhere between the “collect underpants” and “profit” stages, it all falls apart.
And just as quarterly earnings reporting season is wrapping up, right on cue, my heart found itself soaring … and going splat on the pavement.
It’s not a big deal, really. I only get invested for 48 hours. I appreciate that the universe shows me that I do have an ability to connect with unexpected people in unexpected places.
So here’s what does seem to last in my world …
Even though I got out and had fun the past few days, overall I didn’t have a good weekend. Mom has gotten like 10 times sicker over the past two days.
It’s amazing, really, how one person can withstand so much pain. And then keep getting worse. After being nothing but generous and kind her whole life.
She took a mini-stroke in Wal-Mart yesterday. This on top of some other weird new symptoms. But with no health coverage, we came home. Like the other times this has happened. Except for that one time I checked her into the ER and they couldn’t do anything for her.
Up to that point yesterday, my soul had detached from my body and was doing twirls and pirouettes with the possibility that, maybe finally, the time had come again … to meet someone cool, to hang out … to work less and have a life and maybe fall back in love with what it is that I do.
And to, gee I don’t know, be happy on some level.
You know. For a change.
Alas, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. But in the space of 15 minutes, I went from dreaming to getting smacked over the head with the wet dildo of reality.
Where does happiness fit in, I ask you? When my best falls short of what everyone else needs and wants from me?
I don’t want to say I will never have anything special. But it’s getting harder and harder to believe anything good is going to happen while I’m still young enough to enjoy it.