What would Source say
I dreamed for just a few moments that I was able to connect with Source.
I call it Source because I’m not sure it’s God. Certainly I’m open to returning to Source and finding it’s God. But for now, I really hope that I’m not returning to the patriarchy.
When I pray or, more likely, ask for things, I try to address God, Goddess, ancestors, spirit guides, angels and any entity that’s helping me.
Collectively, I consider that Source, as I suppose it’s not a tangible place but rather a celestial fun house of characters that rotates.
In any event, about a year and a half ago, I decided it’s pointless to hate how one looks. (Self, of course. Others ain’t my business.) There are throngs of people who wish they had your healthy body, even if something about it causes you consternation.
Early this morning, as my fur children found something new to destroy, I found myself apologizing to Source.
I really don’t hate this life, I said. I rather enjoy it. I just SAY it all the time because it feels like somebody or something is always pissing me off or treating me in a way that is less than I deserve.
Imagine my surprise when I was scrolling through the Faceypage Memory Hole and saw this from five years ago …
Right now, I’m back to being afraid to be happy. Afraid to make doc appts. Afraid to skip town. Afraid to breathe wrong lest yet another decision backfires in a big way.
And I thought, if I just kill myself, I don’t have to deal with this.
Calm your tits if you’re rejoicing. Pissing off the fuckers in my feed is reason enough to live.
I wondered if I had that short, hazy dream with Source to prepare me for this. That it’s a fine life. Don’t let sucky situations distract you from that.
After all, what will Source say when we finally arrive?
* You had X number of years on that blue marble, and all you wanted to do was get off?
* You had free will and lamented not having it?
* Sure, you didn’t have money when you had time. Then you didn’t have time when you had money. Then you spent all your money to make the existential angst go away. How’d that work out for you.
* What are you going to miss doing from your human-suit days? What did you never do that you’ll never get the chance to do now?
Basically, what on earth must my guides, ancestors, angels and interested celestial parties think of me now … and what would they say if they hang around long enough to meet me when I cross back into their land?
More important, what are they saying now that can help me strut over to them someday to say, “Thanks for helping me have such a good life that I hate to leave it/am so happy to be leaving it because I had it all”?