Whang dang …

Have spent the better part of the past three hours in the waiting room at the twat doc. Oy vey.

I ended up really enjoying the experience. The doctor, not the “OK, that emerald ring you lost three years ago has gotta be up there SOMEWHERE” part. I tend to prefer male doctors since they know their way around better than anyone, and believe me, if HE couldn’t find my beloved ring, NOBODY can!

I was getting fairly antsy after a while and just wanted somebody — for the love of God, ANYBODY — to examine me. Hey, it was going to be the most activity the ol’ girl has seen in (*mumble mumble*) so yeah, bring it.

Actually, quite honestly, it was the first lunch break I’ve taken in (*mumble mumble*) so I really wasn’t too concerned. After the three-ring circus spectacular (assclowns unite!) that was my morning, it was actually the most pleasant part of my day to have someone impale the honey pot with a metal stirrer. And if THAT doesn’t say something, I really don’t know what would!

Since we’ve bypassed TMI on the coochie superhighway, let’s pull over to the next rest stop and talk about those little wonderful magical pills that those kind of doctors can prescribe to you. I mean, not that I’m planning on falling on someone’s dick accidentally or anything. But, you know. I aim to be more prepared than FEMA in hurricane season.

But the funny part of all this is, shit, I’m 34 years old and have a three-month supply of freedom pills. Do I still hide them from my Extended HouseguestTM like I had to do when I was half this age? 🙂

14 Responses to Whang dang …

  1. Mel :

    Try doing the metal whisk and then follow it up by the grater every 3 months. It’s awesome! The only perk is that I get to end my day with that and drive an hour in traffic home.

  2. Bryce :

    you need a little tongue action down there.

  3. chris :

    Well, I agree with brice.

    But for nostalgic sake, yes, hide them.

    When my mom visits, I hide my porno in the vcr, just like my dumb ass did when I was 15.

  4. Bryce :

    definitely hide the porn when your mom visits. Always better safe than sorry.

    But I don’t know if I should laugh or cry about your doc story. You gotta get some action that’s not doc related! Don’t you have a dildo or something?

    Ultimately, you need a guy who isn’t selfish who will lick your clit and use the dildo on you at the same time. Every girl in the world knows a guy like that; she just has to know where to look.

  5. Caterwauling :

    […] Caterwauling « Whang dang … […]

  6. Bryce :

    I decided to go back and catch up on the rest of this blog and I sense a very common theme: you don’t get much sex. And while I admire your sense of humor, I am sad to see that your visit to the “twat doc” counts as stimulation.

    Your solution is so simple. Just ask a friend to go down on you.

    I’m not kidding.

    Any friend that you’ve known for a long time should be more than willing to help do this for you — married or unmarried.

    I am a perfect example of this. I have this friend that I visit maybe once or twice a year and she never gets out to meet people. She’s a workaholic and although very capable of meeting someone, she refuses to leave her office.

    So when I visit, she always asks me if I’ll eat her out. And I always say yes. Part of it is because I enjoy licking pussy but the other part is that I would never turn down a friend for something as important as sexual stimulation. She’s my friend and if a friend isn’t there to make you feel good when you need to feel good, well, what kind of friend is that?

    I’m married. And while I don’t share what I do with my wife, I’m not having intercourse with my friend. And while I’m not trying to invoke the whole Bill Clinton clause in my marriage vows, I’m a bit open to interpretation.

    I wish I could convey how completely liberating this could be for you.

    And it’s not about sounding desperate … it’s simply one friend asking another friend to hook a sister up. The worst thing that happens is that the person says no, but I guarantee you no true friend would say no to that question.

    Just think of someone that you’ve known for a long time that you think you can tell anything to. Someone that is a part of you no matter where you are in your life. That’s the person. That’s always the person. Ask that person. Just wear some sexy panties and I guarantee you won’t have to look forward to that visit to the “twat doc.”

    In my case, I met my friend in college. We know everything about each other and I think that’s what makes it so right for both of us.

    Of course, this is just my opinion but I think I’m a pretty good judge of these things. If you have more questions or want to just tell me how crazy I sound, send me an e-mail. I’m truly trying to be a helpful reader and I wish you the best.

  7. Sabre :


    Wow dude, thanks for the TMI.

    Srsly, your tale of how you cheat on your wife couldn’t have been said in a private email? Just had to get it out there in public to share with everyone.

    You rawk.

    Not really so much, but hey, go with it.

  8. Bryce :


    Right. As I said above, not cheating. Thanks for keeping our world so honest. I’m sure you never have done anything wild and crazy.

    Hey, the person who runs the blog can take the comments down. As I stated my goal was just to help.

  9. The Goddess :

    I’m with Sabre — eating IS cheating.

    Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I have a conscience and I live by it. Karma, she is a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

    I’m not the moral police, and I don’t post *everything* up here. But I will be clear that I’m not settling for sloppy seconds; nor am I administering them.

    I’m not deleting any comments in this thread, but that doesn’t mean I support hurting anyone, even if it is unknowingly on their part.

  10. Caterwauling :

    […] There was a comment fiesta about my trip to the cooch doctor, with a suggestion that I apparently need to get laid more (who doesn’t?) because I joked that being poked with a speculum counted as action. But if folks could type with BOTH hands on the keyboard, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so ugly. (Actually, if you want to join in the debate whether “eating is cheating,” go leave me your thoughts on the subject.) […]

  11. chris hayes :

    This is the ultimate debate. Thanks, President Clinton.

    If you are betrothed, spoken for, or your…..ummm….intended entree is, it is indeed cheating. If you can’t include it in your “how was your day, honey? Anything interesting happen?” talk with your spouse or intended or whatever, due to fear of retribution, homelessness, being stabbed, or worse, having the favor returned by him or her to your best friend, it is definitely cheating.

    I know people in “open” relationships. Married people, even. And it works for them, as crazy as it sounds. But I know, for me, for us, it’s not a possibility. I would be crushed. Oh wait…..

    As a matter of fact, it has happened to me already. (It’ll be in the chapter called unnatural disaster in my unauthorized biography due to be released when I launch an internet campaign for president in 2012)

  12. The Goddess :

    The unofficial office poll sides with Chris, Sabre and me here. Those of us who have been on the, uh, receiving end of the betrayal are firm believers in closing the kitchen if eating out without us is the preferred option.

  13. Sabre :

    Sort of a rambling thought on this (and yeah, I sort of have been thinking about this for days)… I would say that perhaps the person who would be the one to really decide if it were cheating or not would be the partner of the person engaged in the activity. In this particular case, if his wife says it’s not, it’s not. But since he’s not disclosing it to her, she has no opportunity to speak her mind on the subject. Of course, the fact that he’s not willing to disclose it to her speaks volumes to me.

    Like Chris, I have known people in “open” relationships, but it always seemed to me that it only worked when all parties were on the same page. When you aren’t discussing it, when it’s a secret, it’s not really an open relationship. It’s just plain out cheating. No matter how people try to spin it.

    But, as it’s been pointed out before, I’m just a small minded bitch. And a prude. Heh. Tell that to some of the guys I’ve dated.

  14. Bryce :

    I’m so glad this topic has taken on a life on its own.

    Let me clear a few things up to keep this fair.

    First, Sabre, I never said that I am not willing to disclose it to my wife. I simply said that I don’t disclose it. Because the obvious question is what would my wife say? Well, to be honest I’m not sure what she’d say. Could I tell her? Yes. And if she told me to stop or else? I don’t think I would simply because I care about my friend and maybe I just don’t see what I’m doing as being all that wrong. Then again, she’s liberated and might understand.

    Am I aware that I might be hurting someone else in the process? Yes. Is that hard for me? Sure? But the alternative is not doing it and disappointing my friend and me missing out on something I really enjoy. Hardly seems fair. Maybe my problem is that I’m very selfish. I don’t know.

    And keep something in mind here. I never said that I’m a fan of the all-you-can-eat buffet. I said that there is one particular girl that I am close with and its with that one girl that I partake in a meal at Le Twat (table 69, rear) once or twice a year.

    So Goddess, I’ll ask you because it’s your blog and you seem very trusting.

    What if you decided to buy that ticket and see that friend and that friend was spoken for … but one thing led to another and you found yourself talking about this subject. And that friend wanted to go out to eat at a new restaurant. Would you let him (or her)? I guess I can’t see the harm in a little innocent snack. To me, it feels good and helps someone out. And if that person said yes and you either did or didn’t, is that person now a bad person? Or is that person just honest?

    Maybe I’m unique in that I’ve done some wild and crazy things in my life. Before I was married I did things with someone that I probably shouldn’t have done them with but she initiated it and I think that made me the way I am today – a risk taker. And what’s so wrong with having a hot memory?

    To me the ultimate question is this. You live once, unless you believe in something very different. And in that one life, if you have the chance to try something you’ve always wanted to try, shouldn’t you do what needs to be done to try it?