Wedding belle from hell


Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

My friend’s younger brother is getting married. Again. The boy’s younger than me. The bride’s older than dirt.

I’ve met Old Girl — she’s perfectly nice. In a grandmotherly type of way. *shudder* Now, I admit I tend to date people about a decade older than me (five to 10 years older is my ideal), but perhaps it’s different for a 30-year-old woman to date a 40-year-old man, versus a 27-year-old man dating Estelle Getty.

I mean, he wants kids! And her eggs are poached! She’s got a kid (almost HIS AGE) and she’s declared she’s done. He’s hoping to change her mind. Good luck on that one.


Anyway, my friend’s parents paid for his first wedding — it was a huge affair. And in the divorce, he gave his ex everything. I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Down to paying for her to get multiple degrees, both cars, the house and all but the clothes on his back. The family? NOT HAPPY.

So, as this is his second go-’round, the girls in the family were asking my thoughts on etiquette insofar as what the groom’s family pays for. I said that with a second wedding, both parties (and not the parents) typically go 50-50, especially given that the woman’s been in the workforce practically as long as our young groom has been ALIVE. And, really, that it should be an intimate affair or, fuck it, they should elope.

(Hell, I’d elope for the first marriage. I don’t have enough time to do laundry, let alone plan a freaking wedding!)

Well, as this is Old Girl’s first wedding, she wants bells and whistles and the whole nine yards. And at her age, hell, let her have it. If I haven’t gotten married by that age, I’m sure I’d be a little bit batshit and immersed in the “someday my prince will come” fantasy as well.

Although I admit, I wonder if she wants the wedding more than the groom. 🙁

So, Bridezilla-to-be not only wants a Princess Di-inspired wedding, but she also wants his family to pay for it. Oh, and she doesn’t want HIS nieces and nephews in the wedding — only HER family can be in it.

But it gets worse. For their wedding day, she picked HIS parents’ WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!! Holy crap, isn’t your parents’ day (for those whose parents are still married and, hell, even in the name of DECORUM nonetheless) supposed to be SACRED? Seriously, boyfriend needed to grow a set and say no to that one. I’m mollified, plain and simple. As is, oh, EVERYONE.

So anyway, let’s talk wedding invitation. Oh, yes, let’s.

They’re elaborate. Ribbons and shit. I mean, I’ve designed many an invitation in my day for black-tie events, and I know good taste with those sorts of things. This? Leaves an aftertaste, all right.

There’s a photo of the bride and groom, only Old Girl is wearing a wide-brimmed hat and all you can really see of the groom is, well, his elbow. I doubt wedding guests will even recognize him if they’ve never met him before!

So, anyway, he went to his parents and asked them to pay for the reception for (several hundred) people — most of whom aren’t even HIS family because they had to pare down the guest list to invite all her people. His mom’s livid and asked her daughter to call me (I’m hardly the wedding expert but, again, I know big fancy events and this is a big fancy MESS in progress).

What’s even more appalling (if you can believe it gets worse) is how she hangs all over the guy in front of his parents. Like, MOLESTS him. Shit, she’s probably THEIR age, and no, I’m not getting hung up on age — I don’t have much room to talk, on that front. I just mean that their family is so classy, so reserved, so upstanding in their community and truly respected. And hello, let’s welcome Trailer Trash into the family! Everyone’s up in arms.

In any event, the girls of the family wanted my advice on what the man’s parents are expected to pay for the second time around. I told them, tradition dictates that they can kick in for the honeymoon if they’re so inclined, but in this case? I’d suggest the parents of the groom arrange for the pre-nup and hire the notary ($25 bucks, baby!). If they’re so inclined, they can cough up a night at the local Holiday Inn, too. And no more, no less.

It’s stories like this that make me sigh in relief that I have next to no family to take into consideration. Even if I wanted the whole kit ‘n’ kaboodle, who would I invite? The blogosphere? 😉 Via iSight? LOL.

Nah, I just want a simple, pretty dress and two tickets to somewhere exotic. I’d like to invite my mom as well as the groom’s parent(s). My best friend hired a wedding planner in Hawaii, and everything was ready when she got there. You may remember the photos from Caterwauling v.1.0. That same thing would make me quite happy — I need a vacation more than I need the part-time job of planning a party!

I don’t have thousands of dollars to spare and I’m not spending it on people I never see and/or who will talk behind my back about every little detail. (My extended family? Merciless in their criticism of things that are classy and “uppity.” They don’t have an iota of room to talk about anyone — they often serve as the warning and NOT the example.)

I was once told that I was a “catch” based on my lack of family obligations — nobody to take into consideration for my decisions and actions, whether parents, siblings or kids. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. My life truly is my own, and apparently that’s attractive. Heh. Now, somebody equally good please be attracted to it, damn it!!!! 😀

In any event, I really do hope my groom friend is happy in his second marriage — he seems like he loves her (I don’t get it, though, and I don’t plan to). I hope he gets a child of his own. I hope this one doesn’t take him to the cleaners if it doesn’t work out.

And for god’s sake, I hope he uses the remaining time left to reconsider to, well, reconsider.

6 Responses to Wedding belle from hell

  1. Barb :

    Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Can’t wait to hear how this turns out.

  2. Valbee :

    I only have one question. When did it become custom for the groom’s family to pay for a wedding? At most, they should only be responsible for the rehearsal dinner and if they’re feeling generous, the alcohol for the reception. IF they’re feeling generous.

    When my son’s get married, their future wives had better not expect a whole heck of a lot from me, because there’s no way I’m affording that. They’ll probably be disappointed to know that I was married in the county courthouse. 🙂

  3. Tink :

    Omg… What a NIGHTMARE! I’m dying to hear more about bridezilla though. Morbid curiousity you could say. On the topic of who pays: I would never consider letting someone else pay for my wedding. I believe that if two people are adult enough to decide they want to wed then they’re adult enough to save up money for the kind of wedding they want. Just my humble opinion.

  4. nic :

    This sounds like one of those train wrecks you can’t help but watch. I don’t suppose you could scan that picture…?

  5. Goddess Dawn :

    I’ll tell you what — she looks EXACTLY like Roseanne Barr. The two could seriously be twins.

    I don’t know why the groom’s family paid for the first wedding — I didn’t know the first wife’s circumstances. I think they just wanted him to have a memorable experience and they saw to it that he did.

    I agree, the ones getting married should foot the bulk of it, especially given how old we all are (i.e., not just out of college) and that the groom’s family should pay for one of the following: rehearsal dinner, open bar at reception, honeymoon. If they want to do more, great. Like, my family couldn’t pay for anything for me, and that’s fine. But if I somehow couldn’t cough up the cash for everything I wanted, I have no right to expect someone else to pick up the tab.

  6. sonderweg :

    LMAO, “her eggs are poached.”
    That’s even better than, “Her dairy is about to close.”