Things I never needed

I know a couple of people who vent about their spouses. Personal things. Things an outsider should never hear.  Things I need to scrub from my memory when I see these perfectly lovely people on social media or IRL. 

I also know other people who would rather walk on their lips than say a bad word about their better half. There’s one couple in particular that’s splitting up and honest to God, they are each other’s No. 1 reference. They want only the best for each other.

I am usually in the latter category. Don’t get me wrong. I can throw more shade than a beach umbrella. But generally I do want everyone to find their happiness. Oftentimes I’m just over the moon that the pressure is off of me to provide it. 

But I genuinely, honestly pray that the asshole who lives above me dies a violent, horrible, long, slow and extremely painful death. 

I’m also so exhausted by worrying about my mom constantly and not being able to make her OCD and in chronic pain self happy, that I really think my limits have found their limits. 

I normally don’t have much to say on either topic. I just thank God I’m alive and ok and that things are better than I probably deserve. 

But damn. Between upstairs and across the hall, I got no energy to deal with everyone and everyone else that was put on this earth to sap the best of me dry. 

So. I don’t want to be one of “those people” who can’t keep their trap shut about the choices they made. But I also need a minute off from the things I’ve chosen (it’s a better perspective than feeling like it’s not a choice) because I didn’t choose to feel like crap. 

I’m just so afraid to tell the universe I want a change because it might be a bad one. But I’m even more afraid of what will happen if shit stays exactly the same. What’s going to change is me and I’m terrified it won’t be for the better. And I won’t be able to get what I lost back. Even if I didn’t want it anymore while I still had it. 

“Take a long hard look at my face

Take away the things I can’t replace 

Take my heart, go on take it away

I’ve got nothing to say.”

Grace Potter, “Things I Never Needed”

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