The journey is the reward

Been gaining and losing the same two pounds for two months. 

Could be any number of reasons why. 

I eat my losses — live on salads, then binge when I go to sneak just a bite of something sweet. 

And I get lazy when people tell me I look good. I mean, I know what they’re saying is I look better than before. But I can rationalize that to mean that I look less horrific now so just don’t get back to that old weight. 

Seriously. I live on salads. Boring! Now Mom started baking again and it’s been so long and it may never happen again. So goddamn right, I’m eating that banana bread. All of it! I earned it after all those shitty salads!!!

Lots of change at work too. Moved offices. Which was traumatic in so many ways. I also feel like we should have saved the money because it’s like spending a salary when we could’ve worked from home. And then I lost my ability to work from home. Only me. No one else. Which I have to keep reminding myself at least I have a job. But yeah. Traumatic. 

I also don’t walk as much as I did before. Sure I try to park far away most days. But it isn’t that far and I’m back to working late again. And we get some unsavory characters floating around. Just easier/safer to park five feet from the door. 

Anyway. Off the rails. My weight is still the lowest it’s been since maybe right Post-college. And it’s ok because I have a lot of cute clothes that work right now. 

But I dream of better days and maybe getting treated better in life if I looked better. Sadly, I guess that means wanting to impress the unimpressive. And I have a hard time reconciling that one. 

Fat = invisible, and that ain’t always a bad thing. But maybe it’s not time to stand out but rather stand UP. 

Maybe ending the journey is the real reward. To start a new one, of course. 

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