Caterwauling

Tagged for a soul-searching meme by the equally introspective Trouble:

I AM: A treasure trove of hidden beauty, talents and surprises.

I WANT: A good, comfortable life and someone amazing to share it with. The ability to know it when I see it.

I HATE: Maryland drivers, Wal-Mart customers and my temperamental skin.

I MISS: Things I’ve never had. My mom and grandfather in Pittsburgh. My grandmother and great-grandmother, wherever they are. I also miss feeling like there’s somewhere I belong — I have a place to live but nothing ever feels like home.

I FEAR: That sometimes I’m just not good enough.

I HEAR: Big and Rich’s “Holy Water” on iTunes (the song’s streaming below) and the purring of two cats.

I WONDER: What it’s going to take to feel whole.

I REGRET: Prioritizing everyone and everything above myself for as long as I did. For (now) prioritizing nothing, in rebellion of that.

I AM NOT: Going to give up on my dreams, no matter how much I might question their feasibility.

I DANCE: In my chair a lot. Sometimes I even close the door. This week, I heard a good song on my headphones (Nelly Furtado and Timbaland’s “Promiscuous Girl” — I love that song!) as I was walking into my office, so I turned it up and danced around. I didn’t even care if anyone walked in!

I SING: Like a cat in heat. All the time, too. I LOVE music and I LOVE belting out tunes in the car and I don’t CARE that the sunroof is open!

I CRY: A hell of a lot when I’m on the rag.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: Upfront with what I’m thinking. I hold back a lot in the name of keeping the peace. I tend to assume nobody cares or else they would have asked for my opinion. Because I alwawys have one.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: A lot of single-fingered sign language at computer screens, telephones and bad drivers.

I WRITE: All the time, mostly for myself but often to assist others in articulating what they need to say.

I CONFUSE: Appreciation with tolerance. I always seem to think people hate me when they really respect me and think they adore me when they are merely putting up with me. Which leads me to wrestle with how I *really* feel about things as opposed to how I might *want* to feel. Some days, you just want to pass people notes with checkboxes, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Sometimes you wish they’d just send you one of those!

I NEED: More empowerment and ownership of things in which I am involved. I need less talk and more action. I need to feel engaged and not just peripherally.

I SHOULD: Do laundry, unpack boxes, clean the house. I am going to go pick up my family and bring them down here next weekend and I don’t want them to see this mess.

I START: A bajillion projects and stories and relationships. Too many to handle, nurture or even delegate.

I FINISH: The food on my plate, as my ex-stepfather used to knock me around when I didn’t. Otherwise, I finish little. I can’t believe I finished this meme in one sitting. Because usually, *ooh, shiny!* …

[audio:BigAndRich_HolyWater.mp3]

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 20th, 2006 at 8:37 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.