Caterwauling

I had planned all day yesterday to write a shiny happy post about how ma Stillers whooped the collective fins offa the Miami Dolphins Thursday night. 😀 But alas, an 11-hour workday called and that ended that dream.

Lachlan popped up and made my day just by simply existing. She’s one of those few people who asks how you’re doing really, and if my IMs weren’t monitored and logged, there would have been a real answer other than the brief but honest, “Sick of not having something to look forward to.”

Not only do I have nothing to look forward to, other than paying a lot of fucking fees for the canceled vacation I never should have scheduled because it interfered with work, but I have some old wounds reopening and I don’t know how I’m going to survive them.

Those of you who’ve known me forever know that I met my best friend at Club Med, that horrible wretched waste of prime real estate that I joined in 2002. We started there the same week, and it is the only positive thing either of us has to say about the place. Had we not gone there, we would never have met and formed the most amazing friendship either of us has ever known.

She left this coast in ’04, a month before I was run out of town on a rail. I died inside, having lost absolutely everything. It’s when I just stopped having faith in life actually working out. It’s not a happy time in my memory.

So when my best buddy at work — we started on the same day, our offices are two doors down from each other — took me aside before he told the masses that he was leaving, the part of me that had become OK again fell apart.

Now, don’t get me wrong, he’s such a treasure that I want the world for him. In another lifetime, he would have been “my type,” but surprisingly for as funny, smart and attractive he is, I was never attracted to him. Instead, I came to love him as my brother. I’ve told him oftentimes that I should pay him for all the therapy he provides.

Our team is a great one, but there is a special bond between the two of us that I am heartbroken that it has to go away in its present form. We all look out for each other, but it’s even more so with us. I never thought I’d find another friend at work like the one who’s 3,000 miles away, but this came close. And I don’t even want to tell you how many times tears have sprung to my eyes, just knowing that time is fading.

The nature of the beast is long hours and no escapes. And even though “they” tell you that’s not right, the example has been set and so has the expectation that you be ready to spring into action on a second’s notice. I tried taking a semi-annual lunch hour a week ago only to have that foiled (I have a password-protected entry somewhere around here on that) so you just stop trying. The only real change we get is when we crawl out of our windowless, airless ofices for a quick five-minute visit. We stay close enough to our phones/computers that we can hear them if urgent work rolls in, and we get a bright spot in the day. And somehow, it’s enough.

I am going to miss our daily banter and the professional support we give each other. I am the town gossip, no question. Well, rather, I am always the one in-the-know. And if it’s benign or juicy enough, I’ll visit and say, “I’ve got gossip!” So his way of telling me he was leaving? Came in and asked, “Heard any good gossip lately?” So there I was, in-the-know, and wishing I could die on the spot.

I kept it to myself, of course. Till this blog entry. 😉 (Our beloved boss already knew; I was second in line, which I appreciated, because you don’t leave this department! You stay there forever! If you leave, we make you leave the state, and he’s headed back to Pennsylvania (where we’re both from). Gah! Too far away!!!)

I chastised him for breaking our boss, telling him to fix him by staying. But I’m broken, too. I have so very few friends outside of work. I don’t get out much anymore, and I love the few who are good enough to miss me and include me when they can anyway. I always joke with my buddy that I am the reason everyone goes home to their wives and girlfriends, so happy that they’ve seen the trainwrecks out there (i.e., me) and can appreciate their women so much more.

Anyway, I have a million more wonderful things to say about him, but alas, it’s not a eulogy. He’s moving down the street from Chris and Pratt, so I literally have no excuse not to wander up to see all my boys. 🙂

I know life and the long evenings will go on, and I’m damn lucky to have met a dynamic individual who has helped me more than he can ever realize or that I can ever articulate. But that’s not stopping my heart from breaking anew and feeling like I’ve lost my best friend all over again.

I talked to my best friend, incidentally, last night for three hours till both of our phones died. She complimented me, reminding me that she knows how hard it is to be single and broke and working a lot and losing friends left and right in a too-expensive, not-compassionate city. She praised me for “making it.” I told her this isn’t making it — this is getting by. And it’s days like this when you see one of your friend’s lives falling into place because they’re exiting Dodge at high speed.

I was watching the Steelers win the other night, and just seeing the city, the buildings, the bridges and the river and the beloved fireworks displays. And, well, I missed it. I didn’t want to go back to Pittsburgh when I wasn’t working because that spelled defeat in a big way for me. But to go back on my own terms? I wonder. I really wonder.

The real draw is not the city itself, which I love to visit but only that, but my family is all I have and they’re too far away. Every day, I wonder if the phone is going to ring and it’s going to be the day that my grandfather’s aneurysm bursts, or this is the day my mom just can’t take another day. I feel like I am wasting so much time just trying to scrape and claw my way to somewhere I’m just not getting, when they at least need me.

I’m not making any decisions on that yet. It’s just something I need to come to terms with, one way or another. It’s a time of transition; I think it should also be a time of change, and right now, miracles are OK, too.

In any event, I lit some candles for my friend last night. And I did something I rarely do — I asked the stars for a vision, just to tell me that everything will work out OK for him. And the vision I got back was so much bigger than I expected. He will be fine. He will thrive, even. And I saw him coming back to D.C. (that’s where I was) to watch me get married. Wow. 🙂

Wishful thinking? Sure. Let’s go with that. But in my little vision, I was at an altar, and I happened to catch his eye somewhere far away, and he smiled at me like he always does. And that alone is probably what got me to sleep last night. Not only that I convinced someone’s fool ass to marry me 😉 but that it’s a real friendship that doesn’t end here.

And for once, the tears? Became happy ones.

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 9th, 2006 at 8:44 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.