Squeak toys

I’ve refrained from blogging about squeak toys, although I seem to meet them all the time.

A “squeak toy” is Sabre’s word for the variety of bubble-headed bimbettes we come across who get an “9.5” for the hair flip and the high-pitched giggle but a negative score when it comes to mastery of English, abstract concepts or just plain fuckin’ sense.

The original squeak toy, I remember not (completely) because of her yellow polka-dotted high heels and Daisy Dukes, but for the fact that her boyfriend had such a hard-on at the party that he was trying not to visibly cringe every time she emitted a squeak that made us all look at him with pity.

I know, I wish I were dumb and pretty myself. I admit it. I’d probably be too oblivious to the world to actually care about it. In fact, I was watching Fox News Channel (*stabs out eyes with pen, hangs self with iPhone charger*) yesterday, and they announced that a new study says men choose beauty over personality in the opposite sex.

Um, DUH.

Glad to see Fox is just as adept at making up news as ever. The world hasn’t yet gone mad.

The thing is, I guess I think dumb is ugly. Or, at least, most of these chicks aren’t cute enough to be airheads. I mean, I’ve had to define more fourth-grade vocabulary words so that they could participate in the grown-up conversations to last me a lifetime.

Case in point: I was in the purse aisle at one of my favorite stores, and this dumb bitch and her dumber-bitch daughter — who was about 22 or so — were looking for a new purse. Now, Baby Airhead knew a Michael Kors bag on sight, but she wasn’t impressed by it. In fact, in her words, “I am mediocred by everything.”

*eyeroll* *headslam*

Dear “thinkerbelle”: You might be pseudo-cute to look at (and that’s stretching it, to be perfectly honest, as your mouth hanging open did nothing for me), but that will fade soon enough. And the idiots who pick you over the smart girls may never be smart enough themselves to see past the tips of their dicks, but we won’t feel bad for them when they wake up and realize they could have done better.

Hopefully by then, the rest of us smart girls will have found someone to stimulate our brains, although if these guys have been spending their lives not having to kill themselves to make conversation with the likes of you, no wonder none of us can find our intellectual equivalents. Thanks for dumbing down the population, one conversation at a time, and perpetuating the stupid genes. …

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